Stuck in a box

Over the weekend a friend of mine came to visit London for the day. I hadn't seen him in three years.

Us two were the ones standing in the 'yard' at school, ages 14 and 15 looking miserable as sin and wondering why am I not like 'that'. Our friends would walk and run about the grounds with no weight on their shoulders. I'd be constantly questioning whether there was something wrong with me, with the world, with people...

Teenage hormones aside, my history covered episodes of panic attacks, hours of crying and howling until I ran out of breath. Sometimes I'd hear from my friend in his moments of sheer depression, desires for suicide and endless days where there seemed no way out for either of us.

Meeting up last Sunday felt like there had been no time apart. Our sense of humour matched and we caught up on stories on what you could say, felt a bit like self discovery. I am so proud of my friend. He has had outcome. He's taking charge on his life: it's pill free, natural state of mind with the right attitude and knowing how to look after himself.

We both know that to help yourself there only is you. Regardless how down you're feeling, if you want to get better it has to be a choice. You have to choose to be less self destructive and remind yourself what you have to live for. I'm not saying that mental illness is a choice, and we all need momentary escapes, but we have to choose to remain on the right path and to put it bluntly, whether to choose to live or die.

Right now I'm in a mental box. A place where I'm kept safe and free from my mental lows. My friend, at least, has given me huge amounts of hope that what we feel doesn't have to be forever. In the moment it feels like there's no escape and that this is what life is, a trap. I've got more work to do, but I just wanted to write an update as I haven't for a while. It's always on my mind to put something on here. When I don't, sometimes I'm hiding, sometimes I feel so indifferent I can't get the words out of my head. Then there are other times when I'm high on life and get distracted to post.

I just wanted to write a piece where people can see there is hope, because there has to be, otherwise there's no life at all.