A face of hope

I'm trying not to feel silly as I write this. I suppose every post I write about mental health I have to make sure I don't feel silly. I'm going to write through the heartbreak and the voice which convinces me that no-one is going to listen.

One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.

Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.

I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!

There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.

On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.

I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.

So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.

OK so it's a slightly bashful pic (but I'm well chuffed with my hair in this one!) and that day led to a lovely welcome in work, my life long friend (pretty much a sister) coming to London just for me (and she bought me breakfast!) and dinner in the evening with a new group of friends...

Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.

Why I love social networking - I found mum

I've managed to get back the messages I sent to my mum on Facebook when I was in uni, tag posts when I moved to London and I still have photo comments she left on my wall.


Finding this has made my day :)

Hollie Hines posted to Jenny Hines
3 November 2008 18:06
"heloo mum, im writing this as you are probs driving home from work!! Something amazing happened today to me and mint! we had just left after seeing our tutor and was walking outside one of the accomodation buildings! there was an apple tree!! so we started picking up loads of apples!!! suddenly mint found a real crisp ten pound note on the floor!!! wow!! so we shared it and got petrol for the car!
so we popped to the Newport market and had a look, its so cool! and they have started to do up Newport town centre for shopping, looks so much better already. in a few years time Newport will look like Cardiff yay!! today me and mint also made strawberry ice cream, and spilt a load in the kitchen! it was funny! we also bought plums, we are going to make plum crumble and apple crumble mmmmmmmm....i may become a fat student :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your gonna have to roll me home for Christmas"

2 December 2008 19:50
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"Hey Daughter. I am so proud of you too. You should smile more to show off your beautiful face. It lights up the room. No more frowning please. Waaaaaasssss for dinner babe?"

2 December 2008 at 20:54 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hey muuum!! im not frowning, it doesnt exist for me at the mo im pretty happy! :) i went to new tradega today to make a film about the place, a random film task! thats why i didnt answer my phone sorry i missed the call its been busy busy busy!!! How are you mother dearest? xxxxxxx"

 3 April 2009 at 21:55
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"mother.your facebook seriously sucks. it lacks in wall life!

i miss mummy...we should go shopping, even though you hate it-maybe we should shop for things you like, such as make up, wine glasses and perfume. i miss our random cardiff trips!

i have lots of work to do oops but am too tired to read books. if i do i will fall asleep and wake up with a book on my face...i fear it may be my impending death, other students should be warned!

Got a lot to catch up on really, do you even know what mine and mints' film is going to be?! NO! I bet you dont. We are long overdue a catch up whether its on the way to caerdydd or eating in sainsburys cafe in newport. mmm pie and tea.

had a great night on weds, didnt fall over in my heels!! how proud of me should you be! and i was up at 8am to be in uni for ten...you can imagine what that was like...

Hope you are alright and martin has moved on from grunts to actual eye contact with you.

love you
Xxx Hollie your daughter

p.s you smell of poo"

3 April 23:13
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hello daughter, was just thinking that we should do a shop, i hate shops but will suffer them to make you happy. no i dunno what you and elizabeth are dong as a film. Mint thank you for saving my daughters culinary requirements. you are a very clever girl. am in caerdydd tomorrow as it happens for a bit of culture. gong to the theatre and the museum. And no not with the usual fixture. With my real friends. Good job you managed to stay upright in your heels. You would have looked like a baby girraffe trying to find it's first feet. Awwwwww! xxxxxx love you loads my baby xxxxx"

4 April 2009 at 23:55 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"giraffe hahaha didn't u say i was stretch as a baby eh??!!!

you meany!! distracting me from my studies. an hour and a half long conversation...well it was defo more interesting than the book!!

"s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g we're going shoppingggggggg"...its a song i think haha!!

right well im off to bed now to watch sex and the city as i have to wake up tomorrow and take my self seriously as a filmmaker-hmm.

chow mother (and yes i know thats not how you spell ciao)

byeeeeeeeeeeeeee love you smelly xxxxxxx"

Where are you?

Where are you?
What are you doing?
What can you see?
Have you listened to this lately?
What's the weather like?
Is the food different out there?
Where do you live?
Is it going ok?
Did you get what you want?
Was it all worth it?
Are you less stressed?
Are you feeling better, happier?

How am I doing? Well...

 

The Saturdays

I remember your supermarket pace. Both hands on the trolly with a piece of lined journo paper clinched between your knuckles. I hear the jangle of your keys, bag hooked to shoulder and curls blowing as you glide the tiled floor. The ostrich neck strains whilst mouth open slight, concentrating.

The date isn't long enough so you crouch down to reach another. I'm watching you pick out milk and silently talk to yourself, already working out what to search for next. Your chocolate cords drip across the floor and pink toenails breathe for air. You wore flip flops in winter.

You never stuck to that list. We came home with impulse delights. This trip would be our social grace. Teamwork. It's where we came together, Saturday night by the fire after shopping for our evening treat. We came as three. Dinner, dessert, and perhaps that cheap DVD. Usually we would scroll the entertainment section, browse home and spend too much money on sugar and cheese. It was our weekend escape. A rare moment where we would be spoilt for choice.

Two of us would carry the shopping in whilst you text on your phone. By the time the boot was empty you'd still be sat in the front of the car finishing your last words. I would get stressed as it would never fit in the fridge. We managed somehow.