This week has shown me how much I’ve been frazzled in panic for the past few weeks- frozen, because I didn’t really know what was going on with me until now. I became a jarred juxtaposition of thoughts. I scared myself. Last week was an explosion of self time, I didn’t realise how worked up I got over running 15k, setting my own goals amongst too much added pressure. Too much saturated ‘fat’ if you like!
I hit my goal. That was nice and so this week the tension has reeled away. Now there’s time for rest and today I begin my holiday. Family time, tea and cake. I can’t wait to wake up when there's no rush, no deadlines and just easy ‘retired’ life.
My crutch- food. Energy. Fuel to stay awake. Weird because I’d say most of the time I eat for pleasure. Perhaps when certain parts of your personality start to fade it’s time to recognise when you need a break. When you find yourself trying to take time out just by hiding in the loo for reflection, it’s time to change.
This week has been mental awareness week and I am so proud and chuffed to see so many people and organisations coming on board. Once the general public start to recognise depression and anxiety as a chemical imbalance, compared to something you have to ‘pull yourself together’ to fix, the ‘taboo’ will start to fade.
I feel this taboo not only comes from the media but within us. Experiencing such confusion over our emotions is half the battle with mental illness. A large part of us always trying to convince ourselves we are ‘ok’ and are ‘just being silly’. It’s too easy to say these words over and over in our heads. You might find yourself in a weeks’ time, with a box of painkillers by your side, trying to conjure a stress headache away whilst your hands are covering your eyes. Sit down!
I sometimes refer to myself as a whirlwind because I’ve been called this in the past due to my hyper personality and visceral desire to say out loud even the simplest of thoughts I endure. At present I find the whirlwind can be a bit of a worry since I associate it as an anxiety spell, alongside pure excitement and happiness. I say ‘sit down’, in a quiet room because it’s ‘tricks’ like these which allow you to recognise moments of stress, panic and that heavy feeling when you don’t want to get out of bed, because you might just be starting to lose yourself too.
For me change triggers everything. It ranges from the simplest of emotions, even feeling happy triggers it. Lately I’ve had to adapt to allowing myself to enjoy the positive emotions I’m now experiencing. I even have to reassure myself they aren’t suddenly going to disappear. It’s a shame traumatic experiences have encouraged this, though the main thing is now I’m able to embrace the good stuff, whereas old habits would have focussed on the lesser positives and continued to trap myself in an all too familiar grey world. During this ‘trap’ I’d even push those who care about me, away – I didn’t want to talk to anyone and would lock myself up in my safety room. The huge irony was, once I’d left the house and had met eyes with the public and my friends, facing the world didn’t seem so scary after all and I was able to cope with myself and the company of others better than before. It was a strange feeling, like slowly taking the plaster off, dragging out the pain, but once it was off everything looked a little clearer and a bit more manageable. Depression and anxiety is not about cure but at least management and recognition of early warning signs.
More to come soon on my experience of treatment...
