Fight or Flight

I'm one of those women who shops like an overdose gone wrong. During manic moods people reach for booze, drugs and material things. Me, I shop for produce. I buy food, seeking flavour for survival. I get wound up in a colourful bubble of this and that, lets put these things together, shall we go here - I want to do that NOW!

Today I went for a scan on my right boob. Mum died of breast cancer so I was not taking any chances. After two checks and a scan referral I was able to see with my own eyes that I have nothing to worry about.

Some may say that even after two Doctors had given me the all clear, I was being a little paranoid. Of course I was - but who is to say that cancer is about life and death. It isn't. Cancer is about maintenance much like mental health. I've been on the 'C word' journey with someone close, I can honestly say cancer stumps your life for a good couple of years introducing more issues than ever expected. For me I'm in no position at 23 years to put my life on hold for a small group of multiplying cells. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression, hand on heart my life is finally simmering away. TWENTY THREE YEARS and only now my life is simmering! Only now am I able to say I'm happy and things are good without those words coming out of my mouth as a lie. 2013, 6 months in and everyone has been great - I'm just not used to that.

The thoughts creep in, is this the start or is this the beginning? It's a familiar trap much like depression, a circle and all the options are black that surround it. Cancer, what if I've got...Cancer? Even the word deserves a big 'C'. It's fight or flight. Crack on or panic. Thankfully I was able to panic and relax. I am so so lucky to feel appreciation, assurance, and most of all see the clear landscape I have in front of me now that the black fog has cleared in several areas of my life. I fought and I won.

p.s I celebrated with a gin and tonic with a strawberry in it ;)
pps I also ate a whole bag of revels :P
ppps Apologies to any family/friends who read this, no panic! :)

Back into action

That Cake and Consequence needs to get into gear! I WILL make time for this :)

Messy page

I've got a stiff neck from lying awkwardly and scanning through pictures on facebook of good memories, pretty people and a hell of a lot of faces I don't recognise anymore.

One of those faces includes me. I flicker over pictures from last year, two years ago, my childhood and teenage years - ugly times where my face seemed a scribble; yet there are images now which have less pen marks on my portrait. It's taken years to overcome a hurdle, one which I couldn't even see the top of, this hurdle was in fact placed across from a huge ditch in the middle of the ground, a ditch filled with evil eyes and influences ready to capture my innocence and weakness.

You can never say that bad experiences ever go away. I don't know if you can ever say you are over something, at least there might be a part of you which can look back through squinted eyes and recognise the self development and lessons learned from a past experience. They will always come back to haunt you, however at least I can now say I've understood a behaviour to manage my pain and impulsive responses. Brain training you could say, life lessons and patience.

I don't regret anything

Whilst I’ve got 5 minutes and have my thinking hat on, I must write.

 

We are in the New Year and its hit me how much 2012 was a see-saw of adventure. I don’t regret anything.

As I get on I’m increasingly impressed how, what was so bad manages to soften a bit. At this point in my life I feel incredibly lucky. I’ve experienced probably the largest amount of mental pain someone could go through in their life – and I’ve come out on the other side. I’m still here.

Through months of anger, frustration and loneliness I've accepted the paths in which my adventures turned. There have been times when I’ve stared out of the window thinking ‘what is the point?, what is the point in everything and feeling this way?!’ It seemed so ridiculous yet extremely important all at the same time.

I’ve finally got a new energy and the ratio has gradually turned from balls of restlessness to fires of frivolity and gumption.  I have a new charge, a new spark you could say where the world doesn’t look so grey anymore. I’ve always loved colour yet never felt the heart to wear it. Things have changed. Hopefully the warmth I feel now will reflect in my style.

I need people. More importantly I want people. Teen life sent me on a mission to come and go and hold those I should have conversed with at arms length. I was too scared to let my guards down. It feels good to know today that my peer group is expanding. My family feel closer though we live 3 hours away. I’ve got people out there that care for me and I’m comfortable enough to go to  them now and ask for help if something is wrong. We try to defend ourselves when in fact a lot of the time this instinct can push us further into danger. How can anything win our hearts if we aren’t willing to put ourselves on the line?

Resolutions I don’t usually make, I put a lot of pressure on myself already and have to do lists coming out of my ears. Instead I’m going to make a personal list of reminders for those times, just in case they come back, when I need to see again what makes me happy. Pick and choose, so it’s possible to see the light.

Thank you to everyone who took part in my life last year, I look forward to all that will happen from now on.

Round 2 of 'That cake had consequence'

Hi all!

Welcome to ‘That cake had consequence’. I suppose you’re all wondering why I’m introducing myself again? I’ve finally updated the about me section to truly represent my reason for writing. I can’t hide these thoughts and feelings anymore as the desire to talk about mental health is just too prominent to ignore!

I love to write, I love creation, development and sharing ideas. For me though I find that actually getting around to making a post and blogging about something I find interesting (and even adding a few sentences) tends to be a problem. I can’t get my thoughts out. I can’t concentrate! I’m trying to balance a full time job and maintain everything else us humans tend to preoccupy ourselves with! I know full well why I struggle, even right now I’m hesitant to type these words, given the consequences they may bring. Who will be reading this? Who is going to react?

As mentioned in my previous post, I’m the one who’s been in self doubt about what I have wanted to do for ages. I’m the one who has lost out. I’m the one who... wants to talk about depression and I NEVER have the balls to. I’m hiding away behind a screen right now.

‘That cake had consequence’ is a place for me, a place for you and for anyone who wants to come here for solace, or at least to gain an idea of what it’s like to experience lets say, mental trauma... (too harsh a phrase to justify its explanation?!), mental illness? Mental whosawhatty?!... These days if you bring up anything along the lines of stress and mental instability you’re immediately judged as unreliable.

Perhaps I’ve finally found the balls to share (in a few days I can't be thinking 'oh bugger'), given what I’ve achieved myself. I've started a new career, I pay my bills on time and am not the typical twenty something in overdrafts and credit card bills (though this seems to be most 'adults' these days too, damn economy). I've not got myself into any real danger and without trying to sound like a hypocrite, I feel like I’ve proven to those I need to that it is possible to hold things together. It’s possible to gain trust and to work full time. It is possible to carry on and not hide away.

I just don’t want anyone to feel alone anymore. I think working in a corporate environment has taught me a lot about the impressions we make compared to the real impressions we want to give. There’s SUCH a massive difference, I must admit even after a year I’m still holding back slightly.

After reading a piece by Stephen Elliot and seeing that 'you have to go all the way, otherwise there's no point’ it really hit me that I’m going to have to go all the way with my writing and with my mental health. Writing for me is one of the few things which helps me get through ‘things’, it helps me cope with myself! It sounds very extreme but after becoming so aware of mental illness, stress, corporate environments and working with those who often over drink/eat to cope with workload in hope of de-stressing (compare this working environment to shopping on Oxford Circus, scary!) how could anyone argue that publicly writing a mental health blog is going to cause anymore harm? ...I think I’m prepared to challenge the trust and judgements of those who know me, of those who find this and start to question my stability. After all, this is why mental health is such a taboo topic. I can’t hide behind closed doors anymore. I've decided I can't even hide behind a computer screen. We have to come clean, who knows we all might end up better off. I'm proud to put my name to this blog, even if it helped at least one person.

Feedback, letters, comments,-anything is truly welcome. I’m open to the harsh and pleasant reality from my peers. If I'm hiding don't I become a taboo topic as well?!

 

Here goes.

 

This site

Will change soon. Just saying.