I don't regret anything

Whilst I’ve got 5 minutes and have my thinking hat on, I must write.

 

We are in the New Year and its hit me how much 2012 was a see-saw of adventure. I don’t regret anything.

As I get on I’m increasingly impressed how, what was so bad manages to soften a bit. At this point in my life I feel incredibly lucky. I’ve experienced probably the largest amount of mental pain someone could go through in their life – and I’ve come out on the other side. I’m still here.

Through months of anger, frustration and loneliness I've accepted the paths in which my adventures turned. There have been times when I’ve stared out of the window thinking ‘what is the point?, what is the point in everything and feeling this way?!’ It seemed so ridiculous yet extremely important all at the same time.

I’ve finally got a new energy and the ratio has gradually turned from balls of restlessness to fires of frivolity and gumption.  I have a new charge, a new spark you could say where the world doesn’t look so grey anymore. I’ve always loved colour yet never felt the heart to wear it. Things have changed. Hopefully the warmth I feel now will reflect in my style.

I need people. More importantly I want people. Teen life sent me on a mission to come and go and hold those I should have conversed with at arms length. I was too scared to let my guards down. It feels good to know today that my peer group is expanding. My family feel closer though we live 3 hours away. I’ve got people out there that care for me and I’m comfortable enough to go to  them now and ask for help if something is wrong. We try to defend ourselves when in fact a lot of the time this instinct can push us further into danger. How can anything win our hearts if we aren’t willing to put ourselves on the line?

Resolutions I don’t usually make, I put a lot of pressure on myself already and have to do lists coming out of my ears. Instead I’m going to make a personal list of reminders for those times, just in case they come back, when I need to see again what makes me happy. Pick and choose, so it’s possible to see the light.

Thank you to everyone who took part in my life last year, I look forward to all that will happen from now on.