1. Stretch
2. Blow your nose
3. Wash your face
4. Clean your teeth
5. Lube your lips (lip balm!)
6. Tunes!
7. Run in clothes which make you feel good
8. Go to the toilet just before you run...
9. Keys and other essential items strapped in place (headphones, phone, running app switched on)
10. Enjoy!
Sunday 25 November 2012
A face of hope
I'm trying not to feel silly as I write this. I suppose every post I write about mental health I have to make sure I don't feel silly. I'm going to write through the heartbreak and the voice which convinces me that no-one is going to listen.
One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.
Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.
I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!
There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.
On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.
I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.
So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.
OK so it's a slightly bashful pic (but I'm well chuffed with my hair in this one!) and that day led to a lovely welcome in work, my life long friend (pretty much a sister) coming to London just for me (and she bought me breakfast!) and dinner in the evening with a new group of friends...
Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.
One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.
Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.
I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!
There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.
On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.
I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.
So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.
Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Cutting down
It started with three a day. Black coffee in the morning, a
cup of tea around 11am and perhaps another in the afternoon.
I began to cut down, making it two a day – one for the
morning and one in the afternoon, so when commuting I wouldn’t feel rancid and
shoulder hunched on the cold bus home. On the weekend I glug down on my special
coffee (sent to me from Origin Coffee in Cornwall-thank you!) like it’s water
on tap – it’s my weekend treat! Since caffeine is a stimulant, I tend to drink
it to give my brain a boost. They say that caffeine is good for depression, as
well as brazil nuts, combining these two elements with a brew has helped me
feel good! However, enough was enough. I’m iron deficient and in the world of
nutrition, caffeine inhibits the absorption of the good metal stuff.
It’s time I had to make a change. For about two weeks now
I’ve cut down to one cup a day, sometimes none. Amazingly I’m feeling quite
good without it, perhaps I’m even feeling better! There are no coffee jitters
and I feel more hydrated, since I run long distance I’m keen to maintain this- and my skin
feels great. The downside is I’ve been upping my processed sugar intake to plough
through. I do have a sweet tooth and I like to enjoy indulgent foods, I suppose
as I’m nutritionally aware I beat myself up about this more than necessary.
Mind over matter, I’m trying to maintain a healthy balance to keep my energy up, nutrition consistent and of course my mind strong.
All in all, I’m feeling pretty good and I don’t just mean
physically. Mentally I feel good and I think that’s part of the reason why I’m
thriving without caffeine :) I’m making sure I take time to rest, time to chill out and
also time to recognise and do those lovely things which really make me happy.
Also I’d like to say happy birthday to my friend who I wrote
about in this post, who turned 24 yesterday :D I’m sure he’s feeling a little
ropey today from his hardcore and well deserved celebrations!
Enjoy the day!
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Why I love social networking - I found mum
I've managed to get back the messages I sent to my mum on Facebook when I was in uni, tag posts when I moved to London and I still have photo comments she left on my wall.
Finding this has made my day :)
Hollie Hines posted to Jenny Hines
3 November 2008
"heloo mum, im writing this as you are probs driving home from work!! Something amazing happened today to me and mint! we had just left after seeing our tutor and was walking outside one of the accomodation buildings! there was an apple tree!! so we started picking up loads of apples!!! suddenly mint found a real crisp ten pound note on the floor!!! wow!! so we shared it and got petrol for the car!
so we popped to the Newport market and had a look, its so cool! and they have started to do up Newport town centre for shopping, looks so much better already. in a few years time Newport will look like Cardiff yay!! today me and mint also made strawberry ice cream, and spilt a load in the kitchen! it was funny! we also bought plums, we are going to make plum crumble and apple crumble mmmmmmmm....i may become a fat student :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your gonna have to roll me home for Christmas"
2 December 2008 19:50
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"Hey Daughter. I am so proud of you too. You should smile more to show off your beautiful face. It lights up the room. No more frowning please. Waaaaaasssss for dinner babe?"
2 December 2008 at 20:54 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hey muuum!! im not frowning, it doesnt exist for me at the mo im pretty happy! :) i went to new tradega today to make a film about the place, a random film task! thats why i didnt answer my phone sorry i missed the call its been busy busy busy!!! How are you mother dearest? xxxxxxx"
3 April 2009 at 21:55
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"mother.your facebook seriously sucks. it lacks in wall life!
i miss mummy...we should go shopping, even though you hate it-maybe we should shop for things you like, such as make up, wine glasses and perfume. i miss our random cardiff trips!
i have lots of work to do oops but am too tired to read books. if i do i will fall asleep and wake up with a book on my face...i fear it may be my impending death, other students should be warned!
Got a lot to catch up on really, do you even know what mine and mints' film is going to be?! NO! I bet you dont. We are long overdue a catch up whether its on the way to caerdydd or eating in sainsburys cafe in newport. mmm pie and tea.
had a great night on weds, didnt fall over in my heels!! how proud of me should you be! and i was up at 8am to be in uni for ten...you can imagine what that was like...
Hope you are alright and martin has moved on from grunts to actual eye contact with you.
love you
Xxx Hollie your daughter
p.s you smell of poo"
3 April 23:13
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hello daughter, was just thinking that we should do a shop, i hate shops but will suffer them to make you happy. no i dunno what you and elizabeth are dong as a film. Mint thank you for saving my daughters culinary requirements. you are a very clever girl. am in caerdydd tomorrow as it happens for a bit of culture. gong to the theatre and the museum. And no not with the usual fixture. With my real friends. Good job you managed to stay upright in your heels. You would have looked like a baby girraffe trying to find it's first feet. Awwwwww! xxxxxx love you loads my baby xxxxx"
4 April 2009 at 23:55 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"giraffe hahaha didn't u say i was stretch as a baby eh??!!!
you meany!! distracting me from my studies. an hour and a half long conversation...well it was defo more interesting than the book!!
"s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g we're going shoppingggggggg"...its a song i think haha!!
right well im off to bed now to watch sex and the city as i have to wake up tomorrow and take my self seriously as a filmmaker-hmm.
chow mother (and yes i know thats not how you spell ciao)
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee love you smelly xxxxxxx"
Finding this has made my day :)
Hollie Hines posted to Jenny Hines
3 November 2008
"heloo mum, im writing this as you are probs driving home from work!! Something amazing happened today to me and mint! we had just left after seeing our tutor and was walking outside one of the accomodation buildings! there was an apple tree!! so we started picking up loads of apples!!! suddenly mint found a real crisp ten pound note on the floor!!! wow!! so we shared it and got petrol for the car!
so we popped to the Newport market and had a look, its so cool! and they have started to do up Newport town centre for shopping, looks so much better already. in a few years time Newport will look like Cardiff yay!! today me and mint also made strawberry ice cream, and spilt a load in the kitchen! it was funny! we also bought plums, we are going to make plum crumble and apple crumble mmmmmmmm....i may become a fat student :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your gonna have to roll me home for Christmas"
2 December 2008 19:50
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"Hey Daughter. I am so proud of you too. You should smile more to show off your beautiful face. It lights up the room. No more frowning please. Waaaaaasssss for dinner babe?"
2 December 2008 at 20:54 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hey muuum!! im not frowning, it doesnt exist for me at the mo im pretty happy! :) i went to new tradega today to make a film about the place, a random film task! thats why i didnt answer my phone sorry i missed the call its been busy busy busy!!! How are you mother dearest? xxxxxxx"
3 April 2009 at 21:55
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"mother.your facebook seriously sucks. it lacks in wall life!
i miss mummy...we should go shopping, even though you hate it-maybe we should shop for things you like, such as make up, wine glasses and perfume. i miss our random cardiff trips!
i have lots of work to do oops but am too tired to read books. if i do i will fall asleep and wake up with a book on my face...i fear it may be my impending death, other students should be warned!
Got a lot to catch up on really, do you even know what mine and mints' film is going to be?! NO! I bet you dont. We are long overdue a catch up whether its on the way to caerdydd or eating in sainsburys cafe in newport. mmm pie and tea.
had a great night on weds, didnt fall over in my heels!! how proud of me should you be! and i was up at 8am to be in uni for ten...you can imagine what that was like...
Hope you are alright and martin has moved on from grunts to actual eye contact with you.
love you
Xxx Hollie your daughter
p.s you smell of poo"
3 April 23:13
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hello daughter, was just thinking that we should do a shop, i hate shops but will suffer them to make you happy. no i dunno what you and elizabeth are dong as a film. Mint thank you for saving my daughters culinary requirements. you are a very clever girl. am in caerdydd tomorrow as it happens for a bit of culture. gong to the theatre and the museum. And no not with the usual fixture. With my real friends. Good job you managed to stay upright in your heels. You would have looked like a baby girraffe trying to find it's first feet. Awwwwww! xxxxxx love you loads my baby xxxxx"
4 April 2009 at 23:55 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"giraffe hahaha didn't u say i was stretch as a baby eh??!!!
you meany!! distracting me from my studies. an hour and a half long conversation...well it was defo more interesting than the book!!
"s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g we're going shoppingggggggg"...its a song i think haha!!
right well im off to bed now to watch sex and the city as i have to wake up tomorrow and take my self seriously as a filmmaker-hmm.
chow mother (and yes i know thats not how you spell ciao)
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee love you smelly xxxxxxx"
Saturday 10 November 2012
Where are you?
Where are you?
What are you doing?
What can you see?
Have you listened to this lately?
What's the weather like?
Is the food different out there?
Where do you live?
Is it going ok?
Did you get what you want?
Was it all worth it?
Are you less stressed?
Are you feeling better, happier?
How am I doing? Well...
What are you doing?
What can you see?
Have you listened to this lately?
What's the weather like?
Is the food different out there?
Where do you live?
Is it going ok?
Did you get what you want?
Was it all worth it?
Are you less stressed?
Are you feeling better, happier?
How am I doing? Well...
Saturday morning
It means one thing. BREAKFAST!
Kettle on, I whiff the new bag of origin coffee that arrived in the post this week. I'm feeling something cheeky, the last rock cake stares at me from the cupboard.
I always wake up on a Saturday morning thinking, 'oh my god what day is it, what time is it, am I late?!'. I work shifts and if on the early one, there are publishing deadlines where a late bus commute could not be forgiven. Thankfully I check the time and it's 7:50am, quite an achievement to wake up this time on Saturday. Usually, if during the week I've been waking up at 5am, I wake up at 6am on the first day off.
Excited about the opportunities that will come from this day, my coffee is brewing nicely, I'm wrapped up in my usual morning style of sweats tucked into fleecy socks and hair tied high on my head into a pineapple. The sofa is calling and I crawl under the velvet throw. Finishing of the documentary I started last night (and began to 'watch' with my eyes closed-post 10k run tired!) already I've learned how cornflakes were made and discovered, and have squealed in delight that 'if we spend 3 hours over dinner, why not spend 3 hours over breakfast'. I believe that HAS to be the perfect quote of the day :)
What have you had for breakfast?
Enjoy Saturday!
Kettle on, I whiff the new bag of origin coffee that arrived in the post this week. I'm feeling something cheeky, the last rock cake stares at me from the cupboard.
I always wake up on a Saturday morning thinking, 'oh my god what day is it, what time is it, am I late?!'. I work shifts and if on the early one, there are publishing deadlines where a late bus commute could not be forgiven. Thankfully I check the time and it's 7:50am, quite an achievement to wake up this time on Saturday. Usually, if during the week I've been waking up at 5am, I wake up at 6am on the first day off.
Excited about the opportunities that will come from this day, my coffee is brewing nicely, I'm wrapped up in my usual morning style of sweats tucked into fleecy socks and hair tied high on my head into a pineapple. The sofa is calling and I crawl under the velvet throw. Finishing of the documentary I started last night (and began to 'watch' with my eyes closed-post 10k run tired!) already I've learned how cornflakes were made and discovered, and have squealed in delight that 'if we spend 3 hours over dinner, why not spend 3 hours over breakfast'. I believe that HAS to be the perfect quote of the day :)
What have you had for breakfast?
Enjoy Saturday!
Thursday 8 November 2012
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Monday 5 November 2012
Important
What you see, breathe, listen, take in. Your people, their smiles, your smile, the laughter.
Fill yourself with crowds, with sounds and let them rip roar right through you.
The dim lights, the bright lights, natural sun feels so good.
I have a story, lets hear yours, I can see it widen your eyes.
This is a good time and I'd like to record it.
Fill yourself with crowds, with sounds and let them rip roar right through you.
The dim lights, the bright lights, natural sun feels so good.
I have a story, lets hear yours, I can see it widen your eyes.
This is a good time and I'd like to record it.
Awesome awesome awesome weekend
Homemade curry and chapatis
Brixton Village, Federation coffee and granola breakfast
Street Dance Class
Baking flapjacks and rock cakes
Drinks at the flat - new and old friends :)
Fun singalong dance times at the White Horse
and easy Sundays, lounging in bed, binge eating on cakes and falling in love with Alt J.
Monday has already started well with my amazing plum maple pecan porridge! Our department has also been treated to coffee by one of the analysts :D Americano yes please :)
Brixton Village, Federation coffee and granola breakfast
Street Dance Class
Baking flapjacks and rock cakes
Drinks at the flat - new and old friends :)
Fun singalong dance times at the White Horse
and easy Sundays, lounging in bed, binge eating on cakes and falling in love with Alt J.
Monday has already started well with my amazing plum maple pecan porridge! Our department has also been treated to coffee by one of the analysts :D Americano yes please :)
Thursday 1 November 2012
Stop waiting
'So perhaps the most important thing to do every day is to take a moment or two to simply consider all of the things that are happening to you, in this moment, at this location, with these people, that are worth remembering. The things that make life special, that make you feel loved, and that may not ever be reproduced in this lifetime. It is simply too easy to be perpetually focused on what isn’t working, what isn’t fair, what isn’t fun — but just like the flowers we so often let die in the pots by our windows, the things we love need attention, need to be fostered, and we deserve to see them grow.
What would you do to be happy? Sometimes we set aside our happiness just to make it through the everyday. It’s not that we don’t want to be happy, because who doesn’t want that? It’s more that we overlook our own happiness for the greater good of some other thing. We get stuck in relationships we don’t want to be in for the greater good of love and the fear of being lonely or never being liked again. We work jobs we don’t really care about for the paycheck, health insurance, and employee discounts. We make it to a point in our lives where we feel stuck, trapped, thinking that anything else must be better than this, not even realizing how we ever got stuck here in the first place.
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