I've been silently cracking up lately and I put it down to several things:
A lack of writing
A lack of creativity
Too much sugar
A lack of communication
The communication part is interesting since all I seem to be doing is communicating, whether it’s at work, with friends, new relationships and trying to maintain old ones. I’ve been spinning too many plates and as a result I’ve forgotten about communicating with myself, especially with this blog. The simple reminders have gone out the window. I’ve spoken of my ‘list’ far too many times and it took until last Thursday for me to officially write it down by hand in my ‘tree’ book. It had been saved on my mobile ‘notes’ page for over a month.
There’s a part of me that gets wrapped up in an frustrated bubble when everything seems to be heading my way at once and it seems like it all relies on me to fix. At least one part of my life I’m getting better at is standing my ground and putting my foot down to accusations of ‘why can’t you be more like this’. I can finally appreciate that communication works both ways. For example, I still panic and think ‘oh shit’ when I haven’t text someone back, it’s all too easy to read a text and put the phone down, yet it feels like I’ve replied because that message or person is on my mind for most of the day. I constantly think of the next step when in fact I just need to switch off and let things be. If there was a way to summarise how my brain works it would look like a square room of colourful balls flying around at high speed, all at once whilst avoiding a clash with each other.
It’s manic and I can see your eyebrows rise.
I’d never wish for anyone to think I’ve forgotten about them, yet I do find I’m getting to a certain point where I have less patience for particular personal events which possess too much drama and attention. Of course it’s easier to judge from the sideline so how can you compose an answer for someone who, you care about and want to help yet, don’t want to push away altogether? Sometimes I can only compare to my life events/trauma and believe that if I can do it, so can you. I don’t feel like I can give anyone a chance anymore if I see little evidence in them trying. Sometimes it is a case of black and white.
The two quotes below come from one of my favourite writers, Stephen Elliot:
‘He
likes to think of editing as something you do while having a cup of tea.’
‘Everyday,
in fact, you have the opportunity to ruin everything, when you're trying to
make art that moves people.’
I love the pure simplicity in both of them. The last one in particular appeals to me since I process so much in my head yet the simplest move could either ruin or make the most of each situation I endure. A highlight of appreciation towards attitude and patience – I’ve got somewhere and it’s flippin’ awesome.
