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Thursday 27 June 2013

Birthday cake

I miss my mum and getting angry over silly things like an added couple of pounds, a sweaty tube, a dirty kitchen or the fact that my trainers rub isn't going to solve anything. None of these frustrations will ever bring her back, why commit so much energy into them?

Cake is the trigger and I imagine my brother to wake next week on his birthday with no promise of a birthday cake that my mum would always organise. This is a subject far too painful I even avoid myself, since to buy the cake for him would be acceptance of her death. Though who is loosing out in the long run?

Me. 

I will have to accept. I will have to acknowledge that to be my brother's mum isn't a role for me either. We are all grown up now. You'd think that makes it easier, moving onto new adventures in social circuits and job advances. It only makes it harder as that person isn't there to explain it all to and for you to say at least you're proud of your achievements. An unconditional listen. 

So what can I do? Either sit in squalor and eat/drink into my feelings or come on top and open my eyes to see what's on my doorstop instead. I'd never forgive myself to linger in this current lull and for something worse to happen in the near future. That previous lull you were dying to escape from would suddenly turn into the ideal. Not I. I can't do it anymore. 

No more wishing back. 

Thursday 20 June 2013

Fight or Flight

I'm one of those women who shops like an overdose gone wrong. During manic moods people reach for booze, drugs and material things. Me, I shop for produce. I buy food, seeking flavour for survival. I get wound up in a colourful bubble of this and that, lets put these things together, shall we go here - I want to do that NOW!

Today I went for a scan on my right boob. Mum died of breast cancer so I was not taking any chances. After two checks and a scan referral I was able to see with my own eyes that I have nothing to worry about.

Some may say that even after two Doctors had given me the all clear, I was being a little paranoid. Of course I was - but who is to say that cancer is about life and death. It isn't. Cancer is about maintenance much like mental health. I've been on the 'C word' journey with someone close, I can honestly say cancer stumps your life for a good couple of years introducing more issues than ever expected. For me I'm in no position at 23 years to put my life on hold for a small group of multiplying cells. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression, hand on heart my life is finally simmering away. TWENTY THREE YEARS and only now my life is simmering! Only now am I able to say I'm happy and things are good without those words coming out of my mouth as a lie. 2013, 6 months in and everyone has been great - I'm just not used to that.

The thoughts creep in, is this the start or is this the beginning? It's a familiar trap much like depression, a circle and all the options are black that surround it. Cancer, what if I've got...Cancer? Even the word deserves a big 'C'. It's fight or flight. Crack on or panic. Thankfully I was able to panic and relax. I am so so lucky to feel appreciation, assurance, and most of all see the clear landscape I have in front of me now that the black fog has cleared in several areas of my life. I fought and I won.



p.s I celebrated with a gin and tonic with a strawberry in it ;)
pps I also ate a whole bag of revels :P
ppps Apologies to any family/friends who read this, no panic! :)

Monday 20 May 2013

Vulnerability

Amazing quote, something I've learned over time. Something I also wish I'd come across a few years ago...

'Love is an inside job. It begins with self-compassion and self-love. When you let go of the need to be perfect, you stop expecting the opposite sex to be perfect. When you stop beating yourself up, you become more compassionate towards others. When you stop worrying about what other people think, the real you can emerge. And when you can connect deeply, authentically and vulnerably, you can have a crack at the real deal, a wonderful loving relationship.
I am done with being the rock. Inside, I am just as strong as I was, probably even stronger now, but I have softened and opened to exposing more of my true self. Even when it's scary...no, especially when it's scary. I have learned to be even more courageous, "daring greatly," and in the process, I am learning to date greatly.'

Sunday 19 May 2013

Mental health awareness week

This week has shown me how much I’ve been frazzled in panic for the past few weeks- frozen, because I didn’t really know what was going on with me until now. I became a jarred juxtaposition of thoughts. I scared myself. Last week was an explosion of self time, I didn’t realise how worked up I got over running 15k, setting my own goals amongst too much added pressure. Too much saturated ‘fat’ if you like!
 
I hit my goal. That was nice and so this week the tension has reeled away. Now there’s time for rest and today I begin my holiday. Family time, tea and cake. I can’t wait to wake up when there's no rush, no deadlines and just easy ‘retired’ life.
 
My crutch- food. Energy. Fuel to stay awake. Weird because I’d say most of the time I eat for pleasure. Perhaps when certain parts of your personality start to fade it’s time to recognise when you need a break. When you find yourself trying to take time out just by hiding in the loo for reflection, it’s time to change.
 
This week has been mental awareness week and I am so proud and chuffed to see so many people and organisations coming on board. Once the general public start to recognise depression and anxiety as a chemical imbalance, compared to something you have to ‘pull yourself together’ to fix, the ‘taboo’ will start to fade.
 
I feel this taboo not only comes from the media but within us. Experiencing such confusion over our emotions is half the battle with mental illness. A large part of us always trying to convince ourselves we are ‘ok’ and are ‘just being silly’. It’s too easy to say these words over and over in our heads. You might find yourself in a weeks’ time, with a box of painkillers by your side, trying to conjure a stress headache away whilst your hands are covering your eyes. Sit down!
 
I sometimes refer to myself as a whirlwind because I’ve been called this in the past due to my hyper personality and visceral desire to say out loud even the simplest of thoughts I endure. At present I find the whirlwind can be a bit of a worry since I associate it as an anxiety spell, alongside pure excitement and happiness. I say ‘sit down’, in a quiet room because it’s ‘tricks’ like these which allow you to recognise moments of stress, panic and that heavy feeling when you don’t want to get out of bed, because you might just be starting to lose yourself too.
 
For me change triggers everything. It ranges from the simplest of emotions, even feeling happy triggers it. Lately I’ve had to adapt to allowing myself to enjoy the positive emotions I’m now experiencing. I even have to reassure myself they aren’t suddenly going to disappear. It’s a shame traumatic experiences have encouraged this, though the main thing is now I’m able to embrace the good stuff, whereas old habits would have focussed on the lesser positives and continued to trap myself in an all too familiar grey world. During this ‘trap’ I’d even push those who care about me, away – I didn’t want to talk to anyone and would lock myself up in my safety room. The huge irony was, once I’d left the house and had met eyes with the public and my friends, facing the world didn’t seem so scary after all and I was able to cope with myself and the company of others better than before. It was a strange feeling, like slowly taking the plaster off, dragging out the pain, but once it was off everything looked a little clearer and a bit more manageable. Depression and anxiety is not about cure but at least management and recognition of early warning signs.

More to come soon on my experience of treatment...

Thursday 16 May 2013

'This explains... so much'


"We often present the idea of relationships in terms of two halves coming together to make a whole. But I think a much more apt description would be a venn diagram: two complete circles overlapping and making something even more impressive in the middle. They still retain their individual wholeness, but they share things that neither would be capable of creating on their own. You cannot come to someone else as a puzzle with a few crucial pieces missing and expect that they will fill it over with whatever spares they happen to have around. Because we are not mechanics. We are not here to fix someone’s own view of themselves, and convince them that what we see is what is real. Self-love is a complex journey requiring of just as much time and effort and attention as the love we give to someone else, and it isn’t something that we will magically find when someone just good-looking enough tells us that we should feel it.

I had to make amends with myself. I had to find my own motivation, to start something for me, and to see it through to fruition. When I told him that I couldn’t be with him, I was almost tempted to use that cloying “It’s not you, it’s me” line that everyone seems to understand and reject in equal measure. But in our case, it had some grain of truth. I had run to him because I wanted to believe that I was lovable, that I could find something, that a relationship could be my one “thing” in life that I was good at. But he was in that relationship, too, and deserved just as much back from me as he was offering. When I realized that I couldn’t give it, and likely never would be able to until I proved to myself that I was good and capable on my own, I had to leave. But that’s never easy to explain.

Sometimes we say that we met people at the wrong time. But maybe we meet them when we are the wrong person, when we have not yet met and fallen in love with ourselves. We are only half of a thing — even if we can imagine that there is a better version of us out there — and we are hoping that someone else will fill in the missing parts so that we don’t have to."

Wednesday 8 May 2013

A project to make you feel good

I'm lucky enough to be a restless slot filler, the cogs are turning and I click, click from one thing to another online. My mind bursts with information and images - I'm tired, I get headaches and my shoulders are hunched up and sore.

Today I came across a video I once saw tweeted by one of my favourite blogs, I discovered when becoming part of the blogging community myself. Fit Foodie Finds. For over two years, Lee has inspired me to eat healthy, exercise and maintain a positive mind. Not only does she photograph food beautifully (some of you in Britain may snigger at this), she highlights nutritious aspects since it's not all about food porn, food fuels your mind as well.

Since my blog is about mental health, diet and an active lifestyle are far more important than the odd sneer or eye roll over who writes what and the pictures you post. I too am, now I was going to say guilty, yet I feel proud to take pictures of my food or any other adventure - why on earth would I want to take this moment of happy away? I'm the dick that carries around two iphones (work and personal) but at least I'm the dick that can laugh about it too amongst all the snaps I take; ranging from breakfast shots, photos after a sweaty run or mirror shots of my favourite outfit. I'd like to highlight I'm finally capturing moments of happy compared to the lack of photos that weren't taken whilst I was a teenager; an image too bleak and scribbled out I would rather not remember.

For a few weeks now I've been walking around as if a blurry cloud has been following me. I've realised that something has felt wrong, I'm not used to feeling good and things working out. I've been filling in slots of time with whatever I could get my hands on when in fact I should have been spending time filling those slots with empty. I think I've forgotten myself a bit and have even snapped a few times at certain things which in a larger picture are really quite small.

I took some time out for myself tonight, I cleaned, I cooked, I ran a bath and after tv bedtime slobbery I dug out a link from Lee herself. Please watch this video and it will help you look in the mirror. The quote which gets me the most is the part when a girl says 'we spend a lot of time as women analysing and trying to fix the things which aren't quite right, and we should spend more time appreciating the parts we do like'.

When I get into my ruts I build a sand storm in my head of 'why won't this work' or 'it's just not quite perfect'. It applies to all aspects of my life when In fact I just need to sit back, breath and take note of what I do have in front of me. I still find it hard to believe that someone wants me. I find it more surprising that someone I want wants me back. I have a friend who feels the same way about our friendship and it's heartbreaking to see her pain and struggle to accept herself, it's like a light is in the room but she can't see it.

Still, I'm trying to use my feelings and experiences for positive impact, as much as they might not make sense to others, they may shock some people and push them further away than I'd like. Either way, whether male or female, watch the video and give yourself a break.

Wednesday 1 May 2013

Stephen charm

'When you're paying attention you know and when you stop paying attention you don't know anything. Even life is like that. Bob Lefsetz, in his recent newsletter, talked about the mess made by ambition. He said we should stop waiting to be chosen. That's not how it works. Someone was telling me about her successful friends and how she felt like a failure because everyone she knew was publishing. I said I look in front of me and I'm the only one that's never gotten a decent book advance. But, if I look behind me I see a lot of people who can't finish books, or get them published. Or they publish but their book doesn't get read. The point is simply that it's about where you focus. You can focus on people who have more than you, and be bitter, or those who have less and realize how lucky you are.'

Tuesday 30 April 2013

Deliveries


I've been silently cracking up lately and I put it down to several things:

A lack of writing
A lack of creativity
Too much sugar
A lack of communication

The communication part is interesting since all I seem to be doing is communicating, whether it’s at work, with friends, new relationships and trying to maintain old ones. I’ve been spinning too many plates and as a result I’ve forgotten about communicating with myself, especially with this blog. The simple reminders have gone out the window. I’ve spoken of my ‘list’ far too many times and it took until last Thursday for me to officially write it down by hand in my ‘tree’ book. It had been saved on my mobile ‘notes’ page for over a month.

There’s a part of me that gets wrapped up in an frustrated bubble when everything seems to be heading my way at once and it seems like it all relies on me to fix. At least one part of my life I’m getting better at is standing my ground and putting my foot down to accusations of ‘why can’t you be more like this’. I can finally appreciate that communication works both ways. For example, I still panic and think ‘oh shit’ when I haven’t text someone back, it’s all too easy to read a text and put the phone down, yet it feels like I’ve replied because that message or person is on my mind for most of the day. I constantly think of the next step when in fact I just need to switch off and let things be. If there was a way to summarise how my brain works it would look like a square room of colourful balls flying around at high speed, all at once whilst avoiding a clash with each other.

It’s manic and I can see your eyebrows rise.

I’d never wish for anyone to think I’ve forgotten about them, yet I do find I’m getting to a certain point where I have less patience for particular personal events which possess too much drama and attention. Of course it’s easier to judge from the sideline so how can you compose an answer for someone who, you care about and want to help yet, don’t want to push away altogether? Sometimes I can only compare to my life events/trauma and believe that if I can do it, so can you. I don’t feel like I can give anyone a chance anymore if I see little evidence in them trying. Sometimes it is a case of black and white.

The two quotes below come from one of my favourite writers, Stephen Elliot:

‘He likes to think of editing as something you do while having a cup of tea.’

‘Everyday, in fact, you have the opportunity to ruin everything, when you're trying to make art that moves people.’

I love the pure simplicity in both of them. The last one in particular appeals to me since I process so much in my head yet the simplest move could either ruin or make the most of each situation I endure. A highlight of appreciation towards attitude and patience – I’ve got somewhere and it’s flippin’ awesome.

Monday 29 April 2013

Slurry

Better writing seems to come when there is a dirty slur involved.

Friday 5 April 2013

This person is real.

You know that feeling you get when shopping? You must have it, see it, feel it, smell it and perhaps taste it. Once you get it in your hands you can’t believe your eyes, its wow.
When you’re waiting to see someone and you're counting down the hours, the feelings are quite the same but a lot less gluttonous :-)

Have a good weekend everyone.

Saturday 30 March 2013

Is this mania?

I don't know what this feeling is. It's not bad. It's not middle ground. It's a hyper-manic contentment.

My fears have changed. I'm no longer scared to talk about it, though it doesn't mean I'm going to look you in the eye. It doesn't mean later I won't feel like I need to sit down and put my head between my legs, and breathe. I'll always be scared you'll run away.

I'm not sure what this spectrum scale is, the ticking and whizzing almost blinding and exhilarating. I've just got to get better at switching it off without being obsessive. Management instead of control. Feel instead of distract. Lets comfortably sit in silence and it be silent instead of nee nawww sounds.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I think that's part of the problem. I'm just not used to it and I don't know whether to smile or cry. I'm tired of all the 'nutjob' labels and the newbies who judge can dooo one. I feel more courage from being open and myself about it, than hiding and seeming like the weird confusing girl that still always keeps it together.

The beauty is that I have kept it together, thumbs up to me! It feels like a big fuck you to the world and I love you too. I've achieved a lot. I have a very rough plan to keep it together now and live within the present year rather than years ahead. I thrive from being completely dependent on myself, it's all me (financially and even to the point of keeping it together). Over the last few months I've developed an extended family, friendships have developed and I've never felt less lonely in all my life.

I must make that 'together' list.

The one thing that still scares me the most is myself. This brain I occupy that makes me, me and people seem to like it. I get cake mix up my nose and I'm easily distracted. I am a Catherine wheel and only stop when sleeping. I now sleep the best I have in all my life. Insomnia is a distant memory. I choose to organise, I'm happy to say I make things happen. I do. I made it happen for myself. An opportunity lost is a moment where I kick myself, unless it was time to let go. I just can't give up on things, on people, it's so hard to go back on your word unless your stomach dips and faith disappears...you realise.

A friend once said to me 'you're always making excuses for people'. Finally now I understand I can't keep making excuses for people anymore. I believe this or I'll end up loosing myself.

I'm going to go for a run now, sometimes I don't want to stop because if I do I have to look at what's in front of me and sometimes it gets too much. It's a good thing because I see all of the amazing things I have and times I have in the future to look forward to. Before, it was a bleak dark impossible future where life seemed to exist only in an exaggerated black box in my head. I've got my things to keep me going, to keep me, me.

If that's the case then I can be there for you too.

Happy Easter x




Monday 18 March 2013

Please don't fail me now

I'd like to write, I'm trying to write. It's got out of hand.

Weekends of celebrations, hours of laughter and then my friend hit me in the face. She screamed and collapsed to the floor. Another one had taken an overdose.

Also, two of us are on top of the world and that leaves us feeling funny, because it's very new.

There's so much to mental health. Patience, impatience, taking things for granted, guilt, sympathy, tough love and all other uncertainties.

This message is broken and I don't know what else to say... I can't be there for everyone else as well as myself.

Sunday 3 March 2013

Batty

I'm going to sound batty... though isn't that the point of raising awareness of mental health - less of the fear and being truthful with words? Fuck the failure and cease the consequence.

Here's something I wrote a few nights ago.

It's one of those nights when I can't sleep, but because I feel lucky. I lie in the dark and there's dancing in my eyes. I see arms swirling and movements peaceful, pounding to favourite sounds on my list. A feeling good, whilst trying to embrace without pushing it away.  Experimental and willing to give life a chance, It feels clear, It looks like colour which means I'm about to change.

I smile with truth instead of failure behind dark eyes. I can't deny anymore. An unblocked feeling that no longer seems so forever and ending.  Less of the panic and more appreciation.  I think of you, wherever you are - clouded.

Back into action

That Cake and Consequence needs to get into gear! I WILL make time for this :)

Messy page

I've got a stiff neck from lying awkwardly and scanning through pictures on facebook of good memories, pretty people and a hell of a lot of faces I don't recognise anymore.

One of those faces includes me. I flicker over pictures from last year, two years ago, my childhood and teenage years - ugly times where my face seemed a scribble; yet there are images now which have less pen marks on my portrait. It's taken years to overcome a hurdle, one which I couldn't even see the top of, this hurdle was in fact placed across from a huge ditch in the middle of the ground, a ditch filled with evil eyes and influences ready to capture my innocence and weakness.

You can never say that bad experiences ever go away. I don't know if you can ever say you are over something, at least there might be a part of you which can look back through squinted eyes and recognise the self development and lessons learned from a past experience. They will always come back to haunt you, however at least I can now say I've understood a behaviour to manage my pain and impulsive responses. Brain training you could say, life lessons and patience.


Friday 1 February 2013

I have to get up now

2014 is national anxiety year.

I remember a time when I would wake up and think 'oh my god I have to get up now'. It felt like a pile of bricks had fallen on my head. I was too afraid to move. Whilst In the shower I could see peaks of south east London popping through the window. There was a world out there about to eat me up. Anytime with myself was a nightmare. A voice, this voice- a constant 'something bad is going to happen', stomach in knots and fear that all I loved around me was going to disappear. This feeling continued everyday for months and months and months.

Do you know that feeling, a jolt you get when you're about to fall over? A game we played when 'hanging out' in our home town road was when we would stand on the edge of the kerb, eyes closed and our friend would tell a story. Eventually the man in the story would fall- at this point our friend would push us so when we stepped off the curb. It was as if we were falling down a 'cliff'. Anxiety feels like this for every minute of the day. Paranoid.

It's taken so long to manage. Even leaving the house for work became a chore, a dread. A 'I have to face the world today' sign that I had to do something about it or die. No-one can go on feeling like that forever, otherwise it might manifest into complicated side effects: alcoholism, OCD, eating disorders- anything to gain control.

We all have our ways, methods we use to cope with things. Perhaps anxiety is the bodies natural and strange way to keep us going- if we didn't have that would we shut down entirely to protect ourselves?

Anxiety and depression is a tricky thing, though whilst its happening please don't judge the person and think they need to pull it together. It's an illness hard to see, but once you understand it life can get clearer for all.

It's easier to judge. Harder to understand. I know which one I'd pick.

Thursday 31 January 2013

The disappearing act

I have been so naughty and haven't written properly for ages! I've been doing a disappearing act, but life is good. For a blog about mental health it might seem typical for me to say that, but it's important to point out when life is on the up.

Perhaps I'm a little whimsical, I don't want to fairy my words with idealised hope and I told you so's. Instead I would like to be honest and account the path I've created.

I'm feeling good and I have done for some time now. I feel strong, I have energy- my spirit is back. There are few moments now when I reflect on how sick I was, I think 'blimey was that even real?!' It's strange whilst I'm on the up, as there are others around me who, once coasting, are now on the down. I feel a responsibility which of course brings me back to CC. We never know where our path will turn, I'm feeling amazing now however there's no guarantee I will maintain this.

And how does that make me feel? Well, I've had help. I've sought help to encourage me to think differently. I've had time to heal. I think that there is still part of me, a padlock, keeping any sad thoughts about my mum away. I dread if I open that box fully It might never close. It's my ultimate fear to drop on the mind scale again. How many times can I manage feeling low before its too late? There's only so much one person can cope with.
People- just observing, talking and seeing others enjoy themselves has finally shown me it's there for me too, to be happy. Ive chosen practical ways to maintain my health. No 'in the moment' escapism. I've chosen health, as Ewan would say, choose life.

It's not easy. The higher you reach the further you must come down- but when you're already down a well, the up seems impossible.

Please, just don't hide. I've learned how to let people into my life, I've learnt not to be angry at them when I feel like I'm disappearing. Why? How? Because there is only one. You. If you feel dangerous-it's your responsibility. If you feel down it's your responsibility. I'm not saying you choose to be down but it's you who chooses to drink the wine instead of water to manage your feelings. I still have those days when I say 'oh my god I need a drink'. I still have (and enjoy) the comfort eating days, the eat little nervous, for control days, the routine I can't break out of days and the days when my brain is so tired I forget appointments and confusion overwhelms me.

We aren't perfect, but as human beings we have the right to enjoy our lives whilst we're still here. The vision I hold onto is celebration. Party. For me they capture the ultimate, the essence of why we are here. To live, endure, communicate and enjoy what we have around us. No hiding. No boundaries. Simply enjoying and seeing enjoyment. No alternative motives. Just fun and having a good time- why not?

Wednesday 23 January 2013

'when it comes to predicting exactly how you will feel in the future, you are most likely wrong.'

Very very very interesting research on the 'impact bias' and how much time we take to make decisions to achieve happiness.


'Gilbert and his collaborator Tim Wilson call the gap between what we predict and what we ultimately experience the ''impact bias'' -- ''impact'' meaning the errors we make in estimating both the intensity and duration of our emotions and ''bias'' our tendency to err. The phrase characterizes how we experience the dimming excitement over not just a BMW but also over any object or event that we presume will make us happy. Would a 20 percent raise or winning the lottery result in a contented life? You may predict it will, but almost surely it won't turn out that way. And a new plasma television? You may have high hopes, but the impact bias suggests that it will almost certainly be less cool, and in a shorter time, than you imagine. Worse, Gilbert has noted that these mistakes of expectation can lead directly to mistakes in choosing what we think will give us pleasure. He calls this ''miswanting.''...

''You know, the Stones said, 'You can't always get what you want,' '' Gilbert adds. ''I don't think that's the problem. The problem is you can't always know what you want.''...

Gilbert's papers on affective forecasting began to appear in the late 1990's, but the idea to study happiness and emotional prediction actually came to him on a sunny afternoon in October 1992, just as he and his friend Jonathan Jay Koehler sat down for lunch outside the psychology building at the University of Texas at Austin, where both men were teaching at the time. Gilbert was uninspired about his studies and says he felt despair about his failing marriage. And as he launched into a discussion of his personal life, he swerved to ask why economists focus on the financial aspects of decision making rather than the emotional ones. Koehler recalls, ''Gilbert said something like: 'It all seems so small. It isn't really about money; it's about happiness. Isn't that what everybody wants to know when we make a decision?' '' For a moment, Gilbert forgot his troubles, and two more questions came to him. Do we even know what makes us happy? And if it's difficult to figure out what makes us happy in the moment, how can we predict what will make us happy in the future?...

''People ask why I study happiness,'' Gilbert says, ''and I say, 'Why study anything else?' It's the holy grail. We're studying the thing that all human action is directed toward.''
One experiment of Gilbert's had students in a photography class at Harvard choose two favorite pictures from among those they had just taken and then relinquish one to the teacher. Some students were told their choices were permanent; others were told they could exchange their prints after several days. As it turned out, those who had time to change their minds were less pleased with their decisions than those whose choices were irrevocable.

All of these studies establish the links between prediction, decision making and well-being. The photography experiment challenges our common assumption that we would be happier with the option to change our minds when in fact we're happier with closure. The transit experiment demonstrates that we tend to err in estimating our regret over missed opportunities. The ''things not so bad'' work shows our failure to imagine how grievously irritations compromise our satisfaction. Our emotional defenses snap into action when it comes to a divorce or a disease but not for lesser problems. We fix the leaky roof on our house, but over the long haul, the broken screen door we never mend adds up to more frustration.

''Our research simply says that whether it's the thing that matters or the thing that doesn't, both of them matter less than you think they will,'' he says. ''Things that happen to you or that you buy or own -- as much as you think they make a difference to your happiness, you're wrong by a certain amount. You're overestimating how much of a difference they make. None of them make the difference you think. And that's true of positive and negative events.''

Much of the work of Kahneman, Loewenstein, Gilbert and Wilson takes its cue from the concept of adaptation, a term psychologists have used since at least the 1950's to refer to how we acclimate to changing circumstances. George Loewenstein sums up this human capacity as follows: ''Happiness is a signal that our brains use to motivate us to do certain things. And in the same way that our eye adapts to different levels of illumination, we're designed to kind of go back to the happiness set point. Our brains are not trying to be happy. Our brains are trying to regulate us.'' In this respect, the tendency toward adaptation suggests why the impact bias is so pervasive. As Tim Wilson says: ''We don't realize how quickly we will adapt to a pleasurable event and make it the backdrop of our lives. When any event occurs to us, we make it ordinary. And through becoming ordinary, we lose our pleasure.''

As Gilbert points out, this glitch is also significant when it comes to negative events like losing a job or the death of someone we love, in response to which we project a permanently inconsolable future. ''The thing I'm most interested in, that I've spent the most time studying, is our failure to recognize how powerful psychological defenses are once they're activated,'' Gilbert says. ''We've used the metaphor of the 'psychological immune system' -- it's just a metaphor, but not a bad one for that system of defenses that helps you feel better when bad things happen. Observers of the human condition since Aristotle have known that people have these defenses. Freud spent his life, and his daughter Anna spent her life, worrying about these defenses. What's surprising is that people don't seem to recognize that they have these defenses, and that these defenses will be triggered by negative events.'' During the course of my interviews with Gilbert, a close friend of his died. ''I am like everyone in thinking, I'll never get over this and life will never be good again,'' he wrote to me in an e-mail message as he planned a trip to Texas for the funeral. ''But because of my work, there is always a voice in the back of my head -- a voice that wears a lab coat and has a lot of data tucked under its arm -- that says, 'Yes, you will, and yes, it will.' And I know that voice is right.''

Either way, predicting how things will feel to us over the long term is mystifying.

Would a world without forecasting errors be a better world? Would a life lived without forecasting errors be a richer life? Among the academics who study affective forecasting, there seems little doubt that these sorts of questions will ultimately jump from the academy to the real world. ''If people do not know what is going to make them better off or give them pleasure,'' Daniel Kahneman says, ''then the idea that you can trust people to do what will give them pleasure becomes questionable.''

To Loewenstein, who is especially attendant to the friction between his emotional and deliberative processes, a life without forecasting errors would most likely be a better, happier life. ''If you had a deep understanding of the impact bias and you acted on it, which is not always that easy to do, you would tend to invest your resources in the things that would make you happy,'' he says. This might mean taking more time with friends instead of more time for making money. He also adds that a better understanding of the empathy gap -- those hot and cold states we all find ourselves in on frequent occasions -- could save people from making regrettable decisions in moments of courage or craving.

Gilbert seems optimistic about using the work in terms of improving ''institutional judgment'' -- how we spend health care dollars, for example -- but less sanguine about using it to improve our personal judgment. He admits that he has taken some of his research to heart; for instance, his work on what he calls the psychological immune system has led him to believe that he would be able to adapt to even the worst turn of events. In addition, he says that he now takes more chances in life, a fact corroborated in at least one aspect by his research partner Tim Wilson, who says that driving with Gilbert in Boston is a terrifying, white-knuckle experience. ''But I should have learned many more lessons from my research than I actually have,'' Gilbert admits. ''I'm getting married in the spring because this woman is going to make me happy forever, and I know it.'' At this, Gilbert laughs, a sudden, booming laugh that fills his Cambridge office. He seems to find it funny not because it's untrue, but because nothing could be more true. This is how he feels. ''I don't think I want to give up all these motivations,'' he says, ''that belief that there's the good and there's the bad and that this is a contest to try to get one and avoid the other. I don't think I want to learn too much from my research in that sense.''

This is exciting to Gilbert. But at the same time, it's not a technique he wants to shape into a self-help book, or one that he even imagines could be practically implemented. ''Hope and fear are enduring features of the human experience,'' he says, ''and it is unlikely that people are going to abandon them anytime soon just because some psychologist told them they should.'' In fact, in his recent writings, he has wondered whether forecasting errors might somehow serve a larger functional purpose he doesn't yet understand. If he could wave a wand tomorrow and eliminate all affective-forecasting errors, I ask, would he? ''The benefits of not making this error would seem to be that you get a little more happiness,'' he says. ''When choosing between two jobs, you wouldn't sweat as much because you'd say: 'You know, I'll be happy in both. I'll adapt to either circumstance pretty well, so there's no use in killing myself for the next week.' But maybe our caricatures of the future -- these overinflated assessments of how good or bad things will be -- maybe it's these illusory assessments that keep us moving in one direction over the other. Maybe we don't want a society of people who shrug and say, 'It won't really make a difference.'

''Maybe it's important for there to be carrots and sticks in the world, even if they are illusions,'' he adds. ''They keep us moving towards carrots and away from sticks.'''

Tuesday 15 January 2013

Blink

It's weird when people die, after a while it feels like they never existed. It's as if your brain gets tired from the trauma and you question whether you're making it up. Blink.

Of course they were there. You knew them all too well.

Stretched, confused and empty- all you want is to have them back. They can still exist, in memories and imagery. I've been told to hold onto those thoughts, so that person doesn't feel too far away. They are there, they are you. They gave you life.

Mums, dads, relatives and friends. It doesn't matter who they are but they were a part of your life. At some point they influenced you. It's almost like a break up. A person so fantastic yet with emotions tied to them, they're strong enough to break you.

You must go on. They have already began to continue. A new life, a new journey, who knows-but it's up to you where they are now and I think that's the beauty about death.


I just wanted to write something as this weekend Alice Pyne passed away, an amazing girl who treasured life, for someone who sometimes sees her surroundings a little too grey, Alice reminded me that I need to love and live the life I have now! For me the small and simple things really do count.

Also these words reflect my thoughts for Harry, the sweetest, caring guy who has helped make a building a home for my friend. He lost his dad today.

I've been thinking about my mum a lot too. Her laugh, her voice. Her warm fluffy hugs in her 'Chelsea' blue dressing gown. Mums silly ostrich neck and her scatty mind. I miss her heart, the reassurance, her love. Im glad it was her pulling me along the carpet when I first got drunk and didn't want to open my eyes (the morning after wasn't pretty).

My dad. I miss his long chicken legs, his bad chef impressions, spiking up his hair to look like Gary Rhodes. I miss how he cooked oven chips better than mum did. He loved the sea, he loved animals and I loved watching him play resident evil on the playstation.

X

Thursday 3 January 2013

I don't regret anything


Whilst I’ve got 5 minutes and have my thinking hat on, I must write.

 
We are in the New Year and its hit me how much 2012 was a see-saw of adventure. I don’t regret anything.

As I get on I’m increasingly impressed how, what was so bad manages to soften a bit. At this point in my life I feel incredibly lucky. I’ve experienced probably the largest amount of mental pain someone could go through in their life – and I’ve come out on the other side. I’m still here.

Through months of anger, frustration and loneliness I've accepted the paths in which my adventures turned. There have been times when I’ve stared out of the window thinking ‘what is the point?, what is the point in everything and feeling this way?!’ It seemed so ridiculous yet extremely important all at the same time.

I’ve finally got a new energy and the ratio has gradually turned from balls of restlessness to fires of frivolity and gumption.  I have a new charge, a new spark you could say where the world doesn’t look so grey anymore. I’ve always loved colour yet never felt the heart to wear it. Things have changed. Hopefully the warmth I feel now will reflect in my style.

I need people. More importantly I want people. Teen life sent me on a mission to come and go and hold those I should have conversed with at arms length. I was too scared to let my guards down. It feels good to know today that my peer group is expanding. My family feel closer though we live 3 hours away. I’ve got people out there that care for me and I’m comfortable enough to go to  them now and ask for help if something is wrong. We try to defend ourselves when in fact a lot of the time this instinct can push us further into danger. How can anything win our hearts if we aren’t willing to put ourselves on the line?

Resolutions I don’t usually make, I put a lot of pressure on myself already and have to do lists coming out of my ears. Instead I’m going to make a personal list of reminders for those times, just in case they come back, when I need to see again what makes me happy. Pick and choose, so it’s possible to see the light.

Thank you to everyone who took part in my life last year, I look forward to all that will happen from now on.