The disappearing act

I have been so naughty and haven't written properly for ages! I've been doing a disappearing act, but life is good. For a blog about mental health it might seem typical for me to say that, but it's important to point out when life is on the up.

Perhaps I'm a little whimsical, I don't want to fairy my words with idealised hope and I told you so's. Instead I would like to be honest and account the path I've created.

I'm feeling good and I have done for some time now. I feel strong, I have energy- my spirit is back. There are few moments now when I reflect on how sick I was, I think 'blimey was that even real?!' It's strange whilst I'm on the up, as there are others around me who, once coasting, are now on the down. I feel a responsibility which of course brings me back to CC. We never know where our path will turn, I'm feeling amazing now however there's no guarantee I will maintain this.

And how does that make me feel? Well, I've had help. I've sought help to encourage me to think differently. I've had time to heal. I think that there is still part of me, a padlock, keeping any sad thoughts about my mum away. I dread if I open that box fully It might never close. It's my ultimate fear to drop on the mind scale again. How many times can I manage feeling low before its too late? There's only so much one person can cope with.

People- just observing, talking and seeing others enjoy themselves has finally shown me it's there for me too, to be happy. Ive chosen practical ways to maintain my health. No 'in the moment' escapism. I've chosen health, as Ewan would say, choose life.

It's not easy. The higher you reach the further you must come down- but when you're already down a well, the up seems impossible.

Please, just don't hide. I've learned how to let people into my life, I've learnt not to be angry at them when I feel like I'm disappearing. Why? How? Because there is only one. You. If you feel dangerous-it's your responsibility. If you feel down it's your responsibility. I'm not saying you choose to be down but it's you who chooses to drink the wine instead of water to manage your feelings. I still have those days when I say 'oh my god I need a drink'. I still have (and enjoy) the comfort eating days, the eat little nervous, for control days, the routine I can't break out of days and the days when my brain is so tired I forget appointments and confusion overwhelms me.

We aren't perfect, but as human beings we have the right to enjoy our lives whilst we're still here. The vision I hold onto is celebration. Party. For me they capture the ultimate, the essence of why we are here. To live, endure, communicate and enjoy what we have around us. No hiding. No boundaries. Simply enjoying and seeing enjoyment. No alternative motives. Just fun and having a good time- why not?