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Thursday 31 January 2013

The disappearing act

I have been so naughty and haven't written properly for ages! I've been doing a disappearing act, but life is good. For a blog about mental health it might seem typical for me to say that, but it's important to point out when life is on the up.

Perhaps I'm a little whimsical, I don't want to fairy my words with idealised hope and I told you so's. Instead I would like to be honest and account the path I've created.

I'm feeling good and I have done for some time now. I feel strong, I have energy- my spirit is back. There are few moments now when I reflect on how sick I was, I think 'blimey was that even real?!' It's strange whilst I'm on the up, as there are others around me who, once coasting, are now on the down. I feel a responsibility which of course brings me back to CC. We never know where our path will turn, I'm feeling amazing now however there's no guarantee I will maintain this.

And how does that make me feel? Well, I've had help. I've sought help to encourage me to think differently. I've had time to heal. I think that there is still part of me, a padlock, keeping any sad thoughts about my mum away. I dread if I open that box fully It might never close. It's my ultimate fear to drop on the mind scale again. How many times can I manage feeling low before its too late? There's only so much one person can cope with.
People- just observing, talking and seeing others enjoy themselves has finally shown me it's there for me too, to be happy. Ive chosen practical ways to maintain my health. No 'in the moment' escapism. I've chosen health, as Ewan would say, choose life.

It's not easy. The higher you reach the further you must come down- but when you're already down a well, the up seems impossible.

Please, just don't hide. I've learned how to let people into my life, I've learnt not to be angry at them when I feel like I'm disappearing. Why? How? Because there is only one. You. If you feel dangerous-it's your responsibility. If you feel down it's your responsibility. I'm not saying you choose to be down but it's you who chooses to drink the wine instead of water to manage your feelings. I still have those days when I say 'oh my god I need a drink'. I still have (and enjoy) the comfort eating days, the eat little nervous, for control days, the routine I can't break out of days and the days when my brain is so tired I forget appointments and confusion overwhelms me.

We aren't perfect, but as human beings we have the right to enjoy our lives whilst we're still here. The vision I hold onto is celebration. Party. For me they capture the ultimate, the essence of why we are here. To live, endure, communicate and enjoy what we have around us. No hiding. No boundaries. Simply enjoying and seeing enjoyment. No alternative motives. Just fun and having a good time- why not?

Wednesday 23 January 2013

'when it comes to predicting exactly how you will feel in the future, you are most likely wrong.'

Very very very interesting research on the 'impact bias' and how much time we take to make decisions to achieve happiness.


'Gilbert and his collaborator Tim Wilson call the gap between what we predict and what we ultimately experience the ''impact bias'' -- ''impact'' meaning the errors we make in estimating both the intensity and duration of our emotions and ''bias'' our tendency to err. The phrase characterizes how we experience the dimming excitement over not just a BMW but also over any object or event that we presume will make us happy. Would a 20 percent raise or winning the lottery result in a contented life? You may predict it will, but almost surely it won't turn out that way. And a new plasma television? You may have high hopes, but the impact bias suggests that it will almost certainly be less cool, and in a shorter time, than you imagine. Worse, Gilbert has noted that these mistakes of expectation can lead directly to mistakes in choosing what we think will give us pleasure. He calls this ''miswanting.''...

''You know, the Stones said, 'You can't always get what you want,' '' Gilbert adds. ''I don't think that's the problem. The problem is you can't always know what you want.''...

Gilbert's papers on affective forecasting began to appear in the late 1990's, but the idea to study happiness and emotional prediction actually came to him on a sunny afternoon in October 1992, just as he and his friend Jonathan Jay Koehler sat down for lunch outside the psychology building at the University of Texas at Austin, where both men were teaching at the time. Gilbert was uninspired about his studies and says he felt despair about his failing marriage. And as he launched into a discussion of his personal life, he swerved to ask why economists focus on the financial aspects of decision making rather than the emotional ones. Koehler recalls, ''Gilbert said something like: 'It all seems so small. It isn't really about money; it's about happiness. Isn't that what everybody wants to know when we make a decision?' '' For a moment, Gilbert forgot his troubles, and two more questions came to him. Do we even know what makes us happy? And if it's difficult to figure out what makes us happy in the moment, how can we predict what will make us happy in the future?...

''People ask why I study happiness,'' Gilbert says, ''and I say, 'Why study anything else?' It's the holy grail. We're studying the thing that all human action is directed toward.''
One experiment of Gilbert's had students in a photography class at Harvard choose two favorite pictures from among those they had just taken and then relinquish one to the teacher. Some students were told their choices were permanent; others were told they could exchange their prints after several days. As it turned out, those who had time to change their minds were less pleased with their decisions than those whose choices were irrevocable.

All of these studies establish the links between prediction, decision making and well-being. The photography experiment challenges our common assumption that we would be happier with the option to change our minds when in fact we're happier with closure. The transit experiment demonstrates that we tend to err in estimating our regret over missed opportunities. The ''things not so bad'' work shows our failure to imagine how grievously irritations compromise our satisfaction. Our emotional defenses snap into action when it comes to a divorce or a disease but not for lesser problems. We fix the leaky roof on our house, but over the long haul, the broken screen door we never mend adds up to more frustration.

''Our research simply says that whether it's the thing that matters or the thing that doesn't, both of them matter less than you think they will,'' he says. ''Things that happen to you or that you buy or own -- as much as you think they make a difference to your happiness, you're wrong by a certain amount. You're overestimating how much of a difference they make. None of them make the difference you think. And that's true of positive and negative events.''

Much of the work of Kahneman, Loewenstein, Gilbert and Wilson takes its cue from the concept of adaptation, a term psychologists have used since at least the 1950's to refer to how we acclimate to changing circumstances. George Loewenstein sums up this human capacity as follows: ''Happiness is a signal that our brains use to motivate us to do certain things. And in the same way that our eye adapts to different levels of illumination, we're designed to kind of go back to the happiness set point. Our brains are not trying to be happy. Our brains are trying to regulate us.'' In this respect, the tendency toward adaptation suggests why the impact bias is so pervasive. As Tim Wilson says: ''We don't realize how quickly we will adapt to a pleasurable event and make it the backdrop of our lives. When any event occurs to us, we make it ordinary. And through becoming ordinary, we lose our pleasure.''

As Gilbert points out, this glitch is also significant when it comes to negative events like losing a job or the death of someone we love, in response to which we project a permanently inconsolable future. ''The thing I'm most interested in, that I've spent the most time studying, is our failure to recognize how powerful psychological defenses are once they're activated,'' Gilbert says. ''We've used the metaphor of the 'psychological immune system' -- it's just a metaphor, but not a bad one for that system of defenses that helps you feel better when bad things happen. Observers of the human condition since Aristotle have known that people have these defenses. Freud spent his life, and his daughter Anna spent her life, worrying about these defenses. What's surprising is that people don't seem to recognize that they have these defenses, and that these defenses will be triggered by negative events.'' During the course of my interviews with Gilbert, a close friend of his died. ''I am like everyone in thinking, I'll never get over this and life will never be good again,'' he wrote to me in an e-mail message as he planned a trip to Texas for the funeral. ''But because of my work, there is always a voice in the back of my head -- a voice that wears a lab coat and has a lot of data tucked under its arm -- that says, 'Yes, you will, and yes, it will.' And I know that voice is right.''

Either way, predicting how things will feel to us over the long term is mystifying.

Would a world without forecasting errors be a better world? Would a life lived without forecasting errors be a richer life? Among the academics who study affective forecasting, there seems little doubt that these sorts of questions will ultimately jump from the academy to the real world. ''If people do not know what is going to make them better off or give them pleasure,'' Daniel Kahneman says, ''then the idea that you can trust people to do what will give them pleasure becomes questionable.''

To Loewenstein, who is especially attendant to the friction between his emotional and deliberative processes, a life without forecasting errors would most likely be a better, happier life. ''If you had a deep understanding of the impact bias and you acted on it, which is not always that easy to do, you would tend to invest your resources in the things that would make you happy,'' he says. This might mean taking more time with friends instead of more time for making money. He also adds that a better understanding of the empathy gap -- those hot and cold states we all find ourselves in on frequent occasions -- could save people from making regrettable decisions in moments of courage or craving.

Gilbert seems optimistic about using the work in terms of improving ''institutional judgment'' -- how we spend health care dollars, for example -- but less sanguine about using it to improve our personal judgment. He admits that he has taken some of his research to heart; for instance, his work on what he calls the psychological immune system has led him to believe that he would be able to adapt to even the worst turn of events. In addition, he says that he now takes more chances in life, a fact corroborated in at least one aspect by his research partner Tim Wilson, who says that driving with Gilbert in Boston is a terrifying, white-knuckle experience. ''But I should have learned many more lessons from my research than I actually have,'' Gilbert admits. ''I'm getting married in the spring because this woman is going to make me happy forever, and I know it.'' At this, Gilbert laughs, a sudden, booming laugh that fills his Cambridge office. He seems to find it funny not because it's untrue, but because nothing could be more true. This is how he feels. ''I don't think I want to give up all these motivations,'' he says, ''that belief that there's the good and there's the bad and that this is a contest to try to get one and avoid the other. I don't think I want to learn too much from my research in that sense.''

This is exciting to Gilbert. But at the same time, it's not a technique he wants to shape into a self-help book, or one that he even imagines could be practically implemented. ''Hope and fear are enduring features of the human experience,'' he says, ''and it is unlikely that people are going to abandon them anytime soon just because some psychologist told them they should.'' In fact, in his recent writings, he has wondered whether forecasting errors might somehow serve a larger functional purpose he doesn't yet understand. If he could wave a wand tomorrow and eliminate all affective-forecasting errors, I ask, would he? ''The benefits of not making this error would seem to be that you get a little more happiness,'' he says. ''When choosing between two jobs, you wouldn't sweat as much because you'd say: 'You know, I'll be happy in both. I'll adapt to either circumstance pretty well, so there's no use in killing myself for the next week.' But maybe our caricatures of the future -- these overinflated assessments of how good or bad things will be -- maybe it's these illusory assessments that keep us moving in one direction over the other. Maybe we don't want a society of people who shrug and say, 'It won't really make a difference.'

''Maybe it's important for there to be carrots and sticks in the world, even if they are illusions,'' he adds. ''They keep us moving towards carrots and away from sticks.'''

Tuesday 15 January 2013

Blink

It's weird when people die, after a while it feels like they never existed. It's as if your brain gets tired from the trauma and you question whether you're making it up. Blink.

Of course they were there. You knew them all too well.

Stretched, confused and empty- all you want is to have them back. They can still exist, in memories and imagery. I've been told to hold onto those thoughts, so that person doesn't feel too far away. They are there, they are you. They gave you life.

Mums, dads, relatives and friends. It doesn't matter who they are but they were a part of your life. At some point they influenced you. It's almost like a break up. A person so fantastic yet with emotions tied to them, they're strong enough to break you.

You must go on. They have already began to continue. A new life, a new journey, who knows-but it's up to you where they are now and I think that's the beauty about death.


I just wanted to write something as this weekend Alice Pyne passed away, an amazing girl who treasured life, for someone who sometimes sees her surroundings a little too grey, Alice reminded me that I need to love and live the life I have now! For me the small and simple things really do count.

Also these words reflect my thoughts for Harry, the sweetest, caring guy who has helped make a building a home for my friend. He lost his dad today.

I've been thinking about my mum a lot too. Her laugh, her voice. Her warm fluffy hugs in her 'Chelsea' blue dressing gown. Mums silly ostrich neck and her scatty mind. I miss her heart, the reassurance, her love. Im glad it was her pulling me along the carpet when I first got drunk and didn't want to open my eyes (the morning after wasn't pretty).

My dad. I miss his long chicken legs, his bad chef impressions, spiking up his hair to look like Gary Rhodes. I miss how he cooked oven chips better than mum did. He loved the sea, he loved animals and I loved watching him play resident evil on the playstation.

X

Thursday 3 January 2013

I don't regret anything


Whilst I’ve got 5 minutes and have my thinking hat on, I must write.

 
We are in the New Year and its hit me how much 2012 was a see-saw of adventure. I don’t regret anything.

As I get on I’m increasingly impressed how, what was so bad manages to soften a bit. At this point in my life I feel incredibly lucky. I’ve experienced probably the largest amount of mental pain someone could go through in their life – and I’ve come out on the other side. I’m still here.

Through months of anger, frustration and loneliness I've accepted the paths in which my adventures turned. There have been times when I’ve stared out of the window thinking ‘what is the point?, what is the point in everything and feeling this way?!’ It seemed so ridiculous yet extremely important all at the same time.

I’ve finally got a new energy and the ratio has gradually turned from balls of restlessness to fires of frivolity and gumption.  I have a new charge, a new spark you could say where the world doesn’t look so grey anymore. I’ve always loved colour yet never felt the heart to wear it. Things have changed. Hopefully the warmth I feel now will reflect in my style.

I need people. More importantly I want people. Teen life sent me on a mission to come and go and hold those I should have conversed with at arms length. I was too scared to let my guards down. It feels good to know today that my peer group is expanding. My family feel closer though we live 3 hours away. I’ve got people out there that care for me and I’m comfortable enough to go to  them now and ask for help if something is wrong. We try to defend ourselves when in fact a lot of the time this instinct can push us further into danger. How can anything win our hearts if we aren’t willing to put ourselves on the line?

Resolutions I don’t usually make, I put a lot of pressure on myself already and have to do lists coming out of my ears. Instead I’m going to make a personal list of reminders for those times, just in case they come back, when I need to see again what makes me happy. Pick and choose, so it’s possible to see the light.

Thank you to everyone who took part in my life last year, I look forward to all that will happen from now on.