'Have
you ever heard a tree fall in the forest? When you make something and no one
responds it’s the silence that mimics the scream. In a perfect world you can
separate the art from the audience. In a certain relationship you have an
audience of one and that’s more than enough. But in truth...
Well,
it’s true when I say I write to find out how I feel about things. I write to
explore. I create from play, or to untangle a series of knots that have formed
a rope that is choking me to death. In other words, it’s possible to know and
not know something at the same time. To know someone loves you and to not
believe they love you. And it’s also true that art needs audience the way the
ocean needs waves.'
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Times are changing
This morning I woke up in a panic. I woke up at 9am.
It felt like a miracle. To sleep in that long on a Saturday is a luxury, usually I wake hours earlier.
An ounce of coffee sent me flying this morning, I thought I was sensitive to the caffeine. A marvelous friend was staying with me and whilst I was running about the flat saying 'I feel all arghhhruuhhhh' whilst wiggling my hands in front of myself, she said 'maybe you're just happy?!'
That was exactly it. I felt panic because it was Saturday. I felt lucky to have a weekend. I felt lucky to wake up and wonder what to do with the day. It felt light, it felt open, it felt very please yourself. I'm a restless nightmare but lately I've got a lot better at sitting down, staying still and just saying 'ahhhh'. It's felt so good to relax! I've slobbed in front of the tv, I've eaten a lot of chocolate (currently eating a chocolate Lindt Santa as I type :) ) and I'm able to eat whatever the hell I want without physically being in pain. Life is becoming a lot stress free. WOW!
It's almost like discovering food for the very first time, things were once black and white and now they are saturated with colour. Textures and smells zing and come alive - I'm not distracting myself as much anymore. My action plans are working and things are on the up. Today I began Christmas shopping and even bought a couple of mini things for myself: a £2 lipstick, hair grips and hair spray - silly things which actually make you feel awesome and 'ooo I'll try that' often makes a difference to your day. I walked around without my head phones, I wasn't trying to block out the world. Exploring around the shops I felt at leisure - I cannot wait to pass these gifts on once the day comes!
Later a few friends and I are going out for drinks in Brixton Dogstar. I can't wait to have a shower, put some great music on, I'm going to sing about the flat, make some stupid faces in the mirror and have fun arranging clothes and make up for the evening. It's going to be so nice to have a giggle and a dance :D
Enjoy your Saturday
p.s I just bit Santa's head off
It felt like a miracle. To sleep in that long on a Saturday is a luxury, usually I wake hours earlier.
An ounce of coffee sent me flying this morning, I thought I was sensitive to the caffeine. A marvelous friend was staying with me and whilst I was running about the flat saying 'I feel all arghhhruuhhhh' whilst wiggling my hands in front of myself, she said 'maybe you're just happy?!'
That was exactly it. I felt panic because it was Saturday. I felt lucky to have a weekend. I felt lucky to wake up and wonder what to do with the day. It felt light, it felt open, it felt very please yourself. I'm a restless nightmare but lately I've got a lot better at sitting down, staying still and just saying 'ahhhh'. It's felt so good to relax! I've slobbed in front of the tv, I've eaten a lot of chocolate (currently eating a chocolate Lindt Santa as I type :) ) and I'm able to eat whatever the hell I want without physically being in pain. Life is becoming a lot stress free. WOW!
It's almost like discovering food for the very first time, things were once black and white and now they are saturated with colour. Textures and smells zing and come alive - I'm not distracting myself as much anymore. My action plans are working and things are on the up. Today I began Christmas shopping and even bought a couple of mini things for myself: a £2 lipstick, hair grips and hair spray - silly things which actually make you feel awesome and 'ooo I'll try that' often makes a difference to your day. I walked around without my head phones, I wasn't trying to block out the world. Exploring around the shops I felt at leisure - I cannot wait to pass these gifts on once the day comes!
Later a few friends and I are going out for drinks in Brixton Dogstar. I can't wait to have a shower, put some great music on, I'm going to sing about the flat, make some stupid faces in the mirror and have fun arranging clothes and make up for the evening. It's going to be so nice to have a giggle and a dance :D
Enjoy your Saturday
p.s I just bit Santa's head off
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Tips for a comfortable run
1. Stretch
2. Blow your nose
3. Wash your face
4. Clean your teeth
5. Lube your lips (lip balm!)
6. Tunes!
7. Run in clothes which make you feel good
8. Go to the toilet just before you run...
9. Keys and other essential items strapped in place (headphones, phone, running app switched on)
10. Enjoy!
2. Blow your nose
3. Wash your face
4. Clean your teeth
5. Lube your lips (lip balm!)
6. Tunes!
7. Run in clothes which make you feel good
8. Go to the toilet just before you run...
9. Keys and other essential items strapped in place (headphones, phone, running app switched on)
10. Enjoy!
A face of hope
I'm trying not to feel silly as I write this. I suppose every post I write about mental health I have to make sure I don't feel silly. I'm going to write through the heartbreak and the voice which convinces me that no-one is going to listen.
One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.
Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.
I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!
There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.
On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.
I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.
So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.
OK so it's a slightly bashful pic (but I'm well chuffed with my hair in this one!) and that day led to a lovely welcome in work, my life long friend (pretty much a sister) coming to London just for me (and she bought me breakfast!) and dinner in the evening with a new group of friends...
Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.
One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.
Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.
I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!
There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.
On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.
I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.
So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.
Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Cutting down
It started with three a day. Black coffee in the morning, a
cup of tea around 11am and perhaps another in the afternoon.
I began to cut down, making it two a day – one for the
morning and one in the afternoon, so when commuting I wouldn’t feel rancid and
shoulder hunched on the cold bus home. On the weekend I glug down on my special
coffee (sent to me from Origin Coffee in Cornwall-thank you!) like it’s water
on tap – it’s my weekend treat! Since caffeine is a stimulant, I tend to drink
it to give my brain a boost. They say that caffeine is good for depression, as
well as brazil nuts, combining these two elements with a brew has helped me
feel good! However, enough was enough. I’m iron deficient and in the world of
nutrition, caffeine inhibits the absorption of the good metal stuff.
It’s time I had to make a change. For about two weeks now
I’ve cut down to one cup a day, sometimes none. Amazingly I’m feeling quite
good without it, perhaps I’m even feeling better! There are no coffee jitters
and I feel more hydrated, since I run long distance I’m keen to maintain this- and my skin
feels great. The downside is I’ve been upping my processed sugar intake to plough
through. I do have a sweet tooth and I like to enjoy indulgent foods, I suppose
as I’m nutritionally aware I beat myself up about this more than necessary.
Mind over matter, I’m trying to maintain a healthy balance to keep my energy up, nutrition consistent and of course my mind strong.
All in all, I’m feeling pretty good and I don’t just mean
physically. Mentally I feel good and I think that’s part of the reason why I’m
thriving without caffeine :) I’m making sure I take time to rest, time to chill out and
also time to recognise and do those lovely things which really make me happy.
Also I’d like to say happy birthday to my friend who I wrote
about in this post, who turned 24 yesterday :D I’m sure he’s feeling a little
ropey today from his hardcore and well deserved celebrations!
Enjoy the day!
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Why I love social networking - I found mum
I've managed to get back the messages I sent to my mum on Facebook when I was in uni, tag posts when I moved to London and I still have photo comments she left on my wall.
Finding this has made my day :)
Hollie Hines posted to Jenny Hines
3 November 2008
"heloo mum, im writing this as you are probs driving home from work!! Something amazing happened today to me and mint! we had just left after seeing our tutor and was walking outside one of the accomodation buildings! there was an apple tree!! so we started picking up loads of apples!!! suddenly mint found a real crisp ten pound note on the floor!!! wow!! so we shared it and got petrol for the car!
so we popped to the Newport market and had a look, its so cool! and they have started to do up Newport town centre for shopping, looks so much better already. in a few years time Newport will look like Cardiff yay!! today me and mint also made strawberry ice cream, and spilt a load in the kitchen! it was funny! we also bought plums, we are going to make plum crumble and apple crumble mmmmmmmm....i may become a fat student :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your gonna have to roll me home for Christmas"
2 December 2008 19:50
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"Hey Daughter. I am so proud of you too. You should smile more to show off your beautiful face. It lights up the room. No more frowning please. Waaaaaasssss for dinner babe?"
2 December 2008 at 20:54 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hey muuum!! im not frowning, it doesnt exist for me at the mo im pretty happy! :) i went to new tradega today to make a film about the place, a random film task! thats why i didnt answer my phone sorry i missed the call its been busy busy busy!!! How are you mother dearest? xxxxxxx"
3 April 2009 at 21:55
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"mother.your facebook seriously sucks. it lacks in wall life!
i miss mummy...we should go shopping, even though you hate it-maybe we should shop for things you like, such as make up, wine glasses and perfume. i miss our random cardiff trips!
i have lots of work to do oops but am too tired to read books. if i do i will fall asleep and wake up with a book on my face...i fear it may be my impending death, other students should be warned!
Got a lot to catch up on really, do you even know what mine and mints' film is going to be?! NO! I bet you dont. We are long overdue a catch up whether its on the way to caerdydd or eating in sainsburys cafe in newport. mmm pie and tea.
had a great night on weds, didnt fall over in my heels!! how proud of me should you be! and i was up at 8am to be in uni for ten...you can imagine what that was like...
Hope you are alright and martin has moved on from grunts to actual eye contact with you.
love you
Xxx Hollie your daughter
p.s you smell of poo"
3 April 23:13
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hello daughter, was just thinking that we should do a shop, i hate shops but will suffer them to make you happy. no i dunno what you and elizabeth are dong as a film. Mint thank you for saving my daughters culinary requirements. you are a very clever girl. am in caerdydd tomorrow as it happens for a bit of culture. gong to the theatre and the museum. And no not with the usual fixture. With my real friends. Good job you managed to stay upright in your heels. You would have looked like a baby girraffe trying to find it's first feet. Awwwwww! xxxxxx love you loads my baby xxxxx"
4 April 2009 at 23:55 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"giraffe hahaha didn't u say i was stretch as a baby eh??!!!
you meany!! distracting me from my studies. an hour and a half long conversation...well it was defo more interesting than the book!!
"s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g we're going shoppingggggggg"...its a song i think haha!!
right well im off to bed now to watch sex and the city as i have to wake up tomorrow and take my self seriously as a filmmaker-hmm.
chow mother (and yes i know thats not how you spell ciao)
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee love you smelly xxxxxxx"
Finding this has made my day :)
Hollie Hines posted to Jenny Hines
3 November 2008
"heloo mum, im writing this as you are probs driving home from work!! Something amazing happened today to me and mint! we had just left after seeing our tutor and was walking outside one of the accomodation buildings! there was an apple tree!! so we started picking up loads of apples!!! suddenly mint found a real crisp ten pound note on the floor!!! wow!! so we shared it and got petrol for the car!
so we popped to the Newport market and had a look, its so cool! and they have started to do up Newport town centre for shopping, looks so much better already. in a few years time Newport will look like Cardiff yay!! today me and mint also made strawberry ice cream, and spilt a load in the kitchen! it was funny! we also bought plums, we are going to make plum crumble and apple crumble mmmmmmmm....i may become a fat student :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your gonna have to roll me home for Christmas"
2 December 2008 19:50
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"Hey Daughter. I am so proud of you too. You should smile more to show off your beautiful face. It lights up the room. No more frowning please. Waaaaaasssss for dinner babe?"
2 December 2008 at 20:54 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hey muuum!! im not frowning, it doesnt exist for me at the mo im pretty happy! :) i went to new tradega today to make a film about the place, a random film task! thats why i didnt answer my phone sorry i missed the call its been busy busy busy!!! How are you mother dearest? xxxxxxx"
3 April 2009 at 21:55
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"mother.your facebook seriously sucks. it lacks in wall life!
i miss mummy...we should go shopping, even though you hate it-maybe we should shop for things you like, such as make up, wine glasses and perfume. i miss our random cardiff trips!
i have lots of work to do oops but am too tired to read books. if i do i will fall asleep and wake up with a book on my face...i fear it may be my impending death, other students should be warned!
Got a lot to catch up on really, do you even know what mine and mints' film is going to be?! NO! I bet you dont. We are long overdue a catch up whether its on the way to caerdydd or eating in sainsburys cafe in newport. mmm pie and tea.
had a great night on weds, didnt fall over in my heels!! how proud of me should you be! and i was up at 8am to be in uni for ten...you can imagine what that was like...
Hope you are alright and martin has moved on from grunts to actual eye contact with you.
love you
Xxx Hollie your daughter
p.s you smell of poo"
3 April 23:13
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hello daughter, was just thinking that we should do a shop, i hate shops but will suffer them to make you happy. no i dunno what you and elizabeth are dong as a film. Mint thank you for saving my daughters culinary requirements. you are a very clever girl. am in caerdydd tomorrow as it happens for a bit of culture. gong to the theatre and the museum. And no not with the usual fixture. With my real friends. Good job you managed to stay upright in your heels. You would have looked like a baby girraffe trying to find it's first feet. Awwwwww! xxxxxx love you loads my baby xxxxx"
4 April 2009 at 23:55 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"giraffe hahaha didn't u say i was stretch as a baby eh??!!!
you meany!! distracting me from my studies. an hour and a half long conversation...well it was defo more interesting than the book!!
"s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g we're going shoppingggggggg"...its a song i think haha!!
right well im off to bed now to watch sex and the city as i have to wake up tomorrow and take my self seriously as a filmmaker-hmm.
chow mother (and yes i know thats not how you spell ciao)
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee love you smelly xxxxxxx"
Saturday, 10 November 2012
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