Deliveries

I've been silently cracking up lately and I put it down to several things:

A lack of writing
A lack of creativity
Too much sugar
A lack of communication

The communication part is interesting since all I seem to be doing is communicating, whether it’s at work, with friends, new relationships and trying to maintain old ones. I’ve been spinning too many plates and as a result I’ve forgotten about communicating with myself, especially with this blog. The simple reminders have gone out the window. I’ve spoken of my ‘list’ far too many times and it took until last Thursday for me to officially write it down by hand in my ‘tree’ book. It had been saved on my mobile ‘notes’ page for over a month.

There’s a part of me that gets wrapped up in an frustrated bubble when everything seems to be heading my way at once and it seems like it all relies on me to fix. At least one part of my life I’m getting better at is standing my ground and putting my foot down to accusations of ‘why can’t you be more like this’. I can finally appreciate that communication works both ways. For example, I still panic and think ‘oh shit’ when I haven’t text someone back, it’s all too easy to read a text and put the phone down, yet it feels like I’ve replied because that message or person is on my mind for most of the day. I constantly think of the next step when in fact I just need to switch off and let things be. If there was a way to summarise how my brain works it would look like a square room of colourful balls flying around at high speed, all at once whilst avoiding a clash with each other.

It’s manic and I can see your eyebrows rise.

I’d never wish for anyone to think I’ve forgotten about them, yet I do find I’m getting to a certain point where I have less patience for particular personal events which possess too much drama and attention. Of course it’s easier to judge from the sideline so how can you compose an answer for someone who, you care about and want to help yet, don’t want to push away altogether? Sometimes I can only compare to my life events/trauma and believe that if I can do it, so can you. I don’t feel like I can give anyone a chance anymore if I see little evidence in them trying. Sometimes it is a case of black and white.

The two quotes below come from one of my favourite writers, Stephen Elliot:

‘He likes to think of editing as something you do while having a cup of tea.’

‘Everyday, in fact, you have the opportunity to ruin everything, when you're trying to make art that moves people.’

I love the pure simplicity in both of them. The last one in particular appeals to me since I process so much in my head yet the simplest move could either ruin or make the most of each situation I endure. A highlight of appreciation towards attitude and patience – I’ve got somewhere and it’s flippin’ awesome.

Slurry

Better writing seems to come when there is a dirty slur involved.

This person is real.

You know that feeling you get when shopping? You must have it, see it, feel it, smell it and perhaps taste it. Once you get it in your hands you can’t believe your eyes, its wow.
When you’re waiting to see someone and you're counting down the hours, the feelings are quite the same but a lot less gluttonous :-)

Have a good weekend everyone.

Is this mania?

I don't know what this feeling is. It's not bad. It's not middle ground. It's a hyper-manic contentment.

My fears have changed. I'm no longer scared to talk about it, though it doesn't mean I'm going to look you in the eye. It doesn't mean later I won't feel like I need to sit down and put my head between my legs, and breathe. I'll always be scared you'll run away.

I'm not sure what this spectrum scale is, the ticking and whizzing almost blinding and exhilarating. I've just got to get better at switching it off without being obsessive. Management instead of control. Feel instead of distract. Lets comfortably sit in silence and it be silent instead of nee nawww sounds.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I think that's part of the problem. I'm just not used to it and I don't know whether to smile or cry. I'm tired of all the 'nutjob' labels and the newbies who judge can dooo one. I feel more courage from being open and myself about it, than hiding and seeming like the weird confusing girl that still always keeps it together.

The beauty is that I have kept it together, thumbs up to me! It feels like a big fuck you to the world and I love you too. I've achieved a lot. I have a very rough plan to keep it together now and live within the present year rather than years ahead. I thrive from being completely dependent on myself, it's all me (financially and even to the point of keeping it together). Over the last few months I've developed an extended family, friendships have developed and I've never felt less lonely in all my life.

I must make that 'together' list.

The one thing that still scares me the most is myself. This brain I occupy that makes me, me and people seem to like it. I get cake mix up my nose and I'm easily distracted. I am a Catherine wheel and only stop when sleeping. I now sleep the best I have in all my life. Insomnia is a distant memory. I choose to organise, I'm happy to say I make things happen. I do. I made it happen for myself. An opportunity lost is a moment where I kick myself, unless it was time to let go. I just can't give up on things, on people, it's so hard to go back on your word unless your stomach dips and faith disappears...you realise.

A friend once said to me 'you're always making excuses for people'. Finally now I understand I can't keep making excuses for people anymore. I believe this or I'll end up loosing myself.

I'm going to go for a run now, sometimes I don't want to stop because if I do I have to look at what's in front of me and sometimes it gets too much. It's a good thing because I see all of the amazing things I have and times I have in the future to look forward to. Before, it was a bleak dark impossible future where life seemed to exist only in an exaggerated black box in my head. I've got my things to keep me going, to keep me, me.

If that's the case then I can be there for you too.

Happy Easter x

Please don't fail me now

I'd like to write, I'm trying to write. It's got out of hand.

Weekends of celebrations, hours of laughter and then my friend hit me in the face. She screamed and collapsed to the floor. Another one had taken an overdose.

Also, two of us are on top of the world and that leaves us feeling funny, because it's very new.

There's so much to mental health. Patience, impatience, taking things for granted, guilt, sympathy, tough love and all other uncertainties.

This message is broken and I don't know what else to say... I can't be there for everyone else as well as myself.

Batty

I'm going to sound batty... though isn't that the point of raising awareness of mental health - less of the fear and being truthful with words? Fuck the failure and cease the consequence.

Here's something I wrote a few nights ago.

It's one of those nights when I can't sleep, but because I feel lucky. I lie in the dark and there's dancing in my eyes. I see arms swirling and movements peaceful, pounding to favourite sounds on my list. A feeling good, whilst trying to embrace without pushing it away.  Experimental and willing to give life a chance, It feels clear, It looks like colour which means I'm about to change.

I smile with truth instead of failure behind dark eyes. I can't deny anymore. An unblocked feeling that no longer seems so forever and ending.  Less of the panic and more appreciation.  I think of you, wherever you are - clouded.

Back into action

That Cake and Consequence needs to get into gear! I WILL make time for this :)