Consequential 26.10.12

We probably see the person who sits next to us on the bus, who's excited and eager for conversation as someone 'crazy'. Sometimes we couldn't be more wrong about who really is mentally ill.

Right now I feel good and I'm trying not to think too much about how long it will last for. I'm focusing on how I feel lucky for feeling good. The guy next to me keeps stroking the seat in front of us, gripping the handle bar. It was too easy to assume he's mad, whilst I can't hear him as I have my headphones on. Who am I to judge?

6am bus

It smelt like my Grandad's house did. Damp.

Britain is under a soggy spray.

Calm before the storm-ish

Something from this morning.

I've had my breakfast and a great cup of Origin coffee, I've read some of my favourite blogs and have noticed it's stopped raining outside. To most this would feel like an amazing start to the day.

I'd say the morning is my moment of bliss. It's usually my calm before the storm. At times, once my alarm has set off, my stomach drops, not because I'm going to work but because I'm still alive. The morning is the time of the day where I have 'space' to myself, where I am me, on my own. It's where I usually... feel my best. If the shift pattern permits I dance around the flat, prep my lunch, prep myself and put some music on to motivate me. Soon my hands are turning into fists. I keep biting my bottom lip. My legs are shaking, restless. Whilst looking out of the window I imagine walking to the tube, I realise I've been holding my breath the whole time.

It seems madness I know, I mean how can something so simple trigger a mountain of overwhelment. In a situation like this I have to focus on the facts- nothing is wrong. So why all the anxiety?

Truth is, once I'm out and I get to work I suppose I'm a little relieved once I've reached my destination. Anxiety thrives from routine. It thrives from keeping to what you know. There's a place I need to get to, boom and I'll head that way. However this routine for me is more time spent on my own. It's more time alone by myself and my thoughts - yet in public. Things that help are listening to music and a new one I've discovered, reading a book. Practicality. The side effects of anxiety: torn thumbs, headaches, breathlessness, shaky legs, restlessness, sickness, mood swings, hunched shoulders and however many more I could list.

I suppose this is why mental health is so hard to understand. It's like having a constant cold but no-one else can really see it. Sure the side effects are physical, sometimes they can be quite easy to hide.

Cheated by the rugby club

It's rare for me to travel anywhere in London, if on my own, without wearing my headphones. I contribute to ruining my hearing constantly; whether I'm on the bus, tube or walking down the street.

Last evening was a rare time when giving my ears a break provided comfort and in fact a story. I’d been sitting on the top deck of my usual ride home, reading a Rumpus journo article, when I raised an eyebrow over the conversation behind me.

“He would come home without any kit. I thought that's weird, 'you've been playing rugby.?!'..'ah I've left my kit at work'”.

This conversation developed as we halted into Elephant and Castle.

 

“He kept coming home without his kit, I decided to not think anything of it. Soon he'd come home later in the night and when I approached him he said he'd been “drinking with the boys”'.

It kept happening.

“Soon he started coming home and showering straight as he got in. ‘Don't you have showers at work?’ ‘Yeah but’” blah blah blah...

Ok.

“On a few nights he didn't come home til 5am. One day I was walking down the street and bumped into our friend Tim, he asked how Alex was- I was confused. 'He's fine...haven't you been seeing Alex at the Rugby club every Tuesday and Thursday?!' 'No?'"...

 

"So I decided to confront him and he admitted all.”

 

This girl got cheated on 'by the rugby club'. I thought a bold story to tell on the bus. Her last words were “I was absolutely gutted, it has taken some time”.

 

I might start wearing my headphones less often.

Empty fridge

A nice cleansing process to avoid any green fluffy gremlims on my return.

Cook up the leftovers!

 Seasoned to perfection.

Where am I?

That's a good question giraffe...