Birthday cake

I miss my mum and getting angry over silly things like an added couple of pounds, a sweaty tube, a dirty kitchen or the fact that my trainers rub isn't going to solve anything. None of these frustrations will ever bring her back, why commit so much energy into them?

Cake is the trigger and I imagine my brother to wake next week on his birthday with no promise of a birthday cake that my mum would always organise. This is a subject far too painful I even avoid myself, since to buy the cake for him would be acceptance of her death. Though who is loosing out in the long run?

Me. 

I will have to accept. I will have to acknowledge that to be my brother's mum isn't a role for me either. We are all grown up now. You'd think that makes it easier, moving onto new adventures in social circuits and job advances. It only makes it harder as that person isn't there to explain it all to and for you to say at least you're proud of your achievements. An unconditional listen. 

So what can I do? Either sit in squalor and eat/drink into my feelings or come on top and open my eyes to see what's on my doorstop instead. I'd never forgive myself to linger in this current lull and for something worse to happen in the near future. That previous lull you were dying to escape from would suddenly turn into the ideal. Not I. I can't do it anymore. 

No more wishing back. 

Vulnerability

Amazing quote, something I've learned over time. Something I also wish I'd come across a few years ago...

'Love is an inside job. It begins with self-compassion and self-love. When you let go of the need to be perfect, you stop expecting the opposite sex to be perfect. When you stop beating yourself up, you become more compassionate towards others. When you stop worrying about what other people think, the real you can emerge. And when you can connect deeply, authentically and vulnerably, you can have a crack at the real deal, a wonderful loving relationship.

I am done with being the rock. Inside, I am just as strong as I was, probably even stronger now, but I have softened and opened to exposing more of my true self. Even when it's scary...no, especially when it's scary. I have learned to be even more courageous, "daring greatly," and in the process, I am learning to date greatly.'

Deliveries

I've been silently cracking up lately and I put it down to several things:

A lack of writing
A lack of creativity
Too much sugar
A lack of communication

The communication part is interesting since all I seem to be doing is communicating, whether it’s at work, with friends, new relationships and trying to maintain old ones. I’ve been spinning too many plates and as a result I’ve forgotten about communicating with myself, especially with this blog. The simple reminders have gone out the window. I’ve spoken of my ‘list’ far too many times and it took until last Thursday for me to officially write it down by hand in my ‘tree’ book. It had been saved on my mobile ‘notes’ page for over a month.

There’s a part of me that gets wrapped up in an frustrated bubble when everything seems to be heading my way at once and it seems like it all relies on me to fix. At least one part of my life I’m getting better at is standing my ground and putting my foot down to accusations of ‘why can’t you be more like this’. I can finally appreciate that communication works both ways. For example, I still panic and think ‘oh shit’ when I haven’t text someone back, it’s all too easy to read a text and put the phone down, yet it feels like I’ve replied because that message or person is on my mind for most of the day. I constantly think of the next step when in fact I just need to switch off and let things be. If there was a way to summarise how my brain works it would look like a square room of colourful balls flying around at high speed, all at once whilst avoiding a clash with each other.

It’s manic and I can see your eyebrows rise.

I’d never wish for anyone to think I’ve forgotten about them, yet I do find I’m getting to a certain point where I have less patience for particular personal events which possess too much drama and attention. Of course it’s easier to judge from the sideline so how can you compose an answer for someone who, you care about and want to help yet, don’t want to push away altogether? Sometimes I can only compare to my life events/trauma and believe that if I can do it, so can you. I don’t feel like I can give anyone a chance anymore if I see little evidence in them trying. Sometimes it is a case of black and white.

The two quotes below come from one of my favourite writers, Stephen Elliot:

‘He likes to think of editing as something you do while having a cup of tea.’

‘Everyday, in fact, you have the opportunity to ruin everything, when you're trying to make art that moves people.’

I love the pure simplicity in both of them. The last one in particular appeals to me since I process so much in my head yet the simplest move could either ruin or make the most of each situation I endure. A highlight of appreciation towards attitude and patience – I’ve got somewhere and it’s flippin’ awesome.

Is this mania?

I don't know what this feeling is. It's not bad. It's not middle ground. It's a hyper-manic contentment.

My fears have changed. I'm no longer scared to talk about it, though it doesn't mean I'm going to look you in the eye. It doesn't mean later I won't feel like I need to sit down and put my head between my legs, and breathe. I'll always be scared you'll run away.

I'm not sure what this spectrum scale is, the ticking and whizzing almost blinding and exhilarating. I've just got to get better at switching it off without being obsessive. Management instead of control. Feel instead of distract. Lets comfortably sit in silence and it be silent instead of nee nawww sounds.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I think that's part of the problem. I'm just not used to it and I don't know whether to smile or cry. I'm tired of all the 'nutjob' labels and the newbies who judge can dooo one. I feel more courage from being open and myself about it, than hiding and seeming like the weird confusing girl that still always keeps it together.

The beauty is that I have kept it together, thumbs up to me! It feels like a big fuck you to the world and I love you too. I've achieved a lot. I have a very rough plan to keep it together now and live within the present year rather than years ahead. I thrive from being completely dependent on myself, it's all me (financially and even to the point of keeping it together). Over the last few months I've developed an extended family, friendships have developed and I've never felt less lonely in all my life.

I must make that 'together' list.

The one thing that still scares me the most is myself. This brain I occupy that makes me, me and people seem to like it. I get cake mix up my nose and I'm easily distracted. I am a Catherine wheel and only stop when sleeping. I now sleep the best I have in all my life. Insomnia is a distant memory. I choose to organise, I'm happy to say I make things happen. I do. I made it happen for myself. An opportunity lost is a moment where I kick myself, unless it was time to let go. I just can't give up on things, on people, it's so hard to go back on your word unless your stomach dips and faith disappears...you realise.

A friend once said to me 'you're always making excuses for people'. Finally now I understand I can't keep making excuses for people anymore. I believe this or I'll end up loosing myself.

I'm going to go for a run now, sometimes I don't want to stop because if I do I have to look at what's in front of me and sometimes it gets too much. It's a good thing because I see all of the amazing things I have and times I have in the future to look forward to. Before, it was a bleak dark impossible future where life seemed to exist only in an exaggerated black box in my head. I've got my things to keep me going, to keep me, me.

If that's the case then I can be there for you too.

Happy Easter x

The disappearing act

I have been so naughty and haven't written properly for ages! I've been doing a disappearing act, but life is good. For a blog about mental health it might seem typical for me to say that, but it's important to point out when life is on the up.

Perhaps I'm a little whimsical, I don't want to fairy my words with idealised hope and I told you so's. Instead I would like to be honest and account the path I've created.

I'm feeling good and I have done for some time now. I feel strong, I have energy- my spirit is back. There are few moments now when I reflect on how sick I was, I think 'blimey was that even real?!' It's strange whilst I'm on the up, as there are others around me who, once coasting, are now on the down. I feel a responsibility which of course brings me back to CC. We never know where our path will turn, I'm feeling amazing now however there's no guarantee I will maintain this.

And how does that make me feel? Well, I've had help. I've sought help to encourage me to think differently. I've had time to heal. I think that there is still part of me, a padlock, keeping any sad thoughts about my mum away. I dread if I open that box fully It might never close. It's my ultimate fear to drop on the mind scale again. How many times can I manage feeling low before its too late? There's only so much one person can cope with.

People- just observing, talking and seeing others enjoy themselves has finally shown me it's there for me too, to be happy. Ive chosen practical ways to maintain my health. No 'in the moment' escapism. I've chosen health, as Ewan would say, choose life.

It's not easy. The higher you reach the further you must come down- but when you're already down a well, the up seems impossible.

Please, just don't hide. I've learned how to let people into my life, I've learnt not to be angry at them when I feel like I'm disappearing. Why? How? Because there is only one. You. If you feel dangerous-it's your responsibility. If you feel down it's your responsibility. I'm not saying you choose to be down but it's you who chooses to drink the wine instead of water to manage your feelings. I still have those days when I say 'oh my god I need a drink'. I still have (and enjoy) the comfort eating days, the eat little nervous, for control days, the routine I can't break out of days and the days when my brain is so tired I forget appointments and confusion overwhelms me.

We aren't perfect, but as human beings we have the right to enjoy our lives whilst we're still here. The vision I hold onto is celebration. Party. For me they capture the ultimate, the essence of why we are here. To live, endure, communicate and enjoy what we have around us. No hiding. No boundaries. Simply enjoying and seeing enjoyment. No alternative motives. Just fun and having a good time- why not?

Where are you?

Where are you?
What are you doing?
What can you see?
Have you listened to this lately?
What's the weather like?
Is the food different out there?
Where do you live?
Is it going ok?
Did you get what you want?
Was it all worth it?
Are you less stressed?
Are you feeling better, happier?

How am I doing? Well...

 

Important

What you see, breathe, listen, take in. Your people, their smiles, your smile, the laughter.
Fill yourself with crowds, with sounds and let them rip roar right through you.
The dim lights, the bright lights, natural sun feels so good.

I have a story, lets hear yours, I can see it widen your eyes.
This is a good time and I'd like to record it.

Stop waiting

'So perhaps the most important thing to do every day is to take a moment or two to simply consider all of the things that are happening to you, in this moment, at this location, with these people, that are worth remembering. The things that make life special, that make you feel loved, and that may not ever be reproduced in this lifetime. It is simply too easy to be perpetually focused on what isn’t working, what isn’t fair, what isn’t fun — but just like the flowers we so often let die in the pots by our windows, the things we love need attention, need to be fostered, and we deserve to see them grow.

What would you do to be happy? Sometimes we set aside our happiness just to make it through the everyday. It’s not that we don’t want to be happy, because who doesn’t want that? It’s more that we overlook our own happiness for the greater good of some other thing. We get stuck in relationships we don’t want to be in for the greater good of love and the fear of being lonely or never being liked again. We work jobs we don’t really care about for the paycheck, health insurance, and employee discounts. We make it to a point in our lives where we feel stuck, trapped, thinking that anything else must be better than this, not even realizing how we ever got stuck here in the first place.

...For me, interesting things, experiences, and people are still the top things that make me happy.

There are different kinds of happiness. Orgasms make people happy. When a student tells me that he got accepted into a top graduate program, that makes me happy. When I think about how my grandmother calls potpourri “poppa-touri,” that makes me happy.

But I want us to think about happiness as self-love. It’s when you smile with your eyes. It’s when you come home for dinner and your boyfriend or girlfriend made your favorite meal. Happiness is when you’ve been scoping the city and the Internet for those Jeffrey Campbell’s in a size nine and everybody’s sold out. But then, finally, you find a pair — AND THEY’RE ON SALE! Happiness is when you notice that something is going wrong in your life and instead of letting it fester and focusing on the negative, you take charge and do something dramatic to change paths. When you make a change from being unhappy to doing something that makes you burst with glee, happiness is looking in the rearview mirror at your past self and being thankful that you’re not that person anymore.

We are afraid of happiness. Everybody wants to be happy, but having that kind of pleasure frightens us. It’s too liberating, not orderly enough. That’s why we tell ourselves that we’ll get to whatever it is that makes us happy, eventually. But when is that going to be?

You shouldn’t wait to be happy because you owe it to yourself to be your best self. You shouldn’t wait to be happy because nobody can make you happy but you. Life is sort of pointless, I mean except for sample sales and Magnolia cupcakes. You shouldn’t wait to be happy because what are you waiting for? Tomorrow may never come.'

Consequential 26.10.12

We probably see the person who sits next to us on the bus, who's excited and eager for conversation as someone 'crazy'. Sometimes we couldn't be more wrong about who really is mentally ill.

Right now I feel good and I'm trying not to think too much about how long it will last for. I'm focusing on how I feel lucky for feeling good. The guy next to me keeps stroking the seat in front of us, gripping the handle bar. It was too easy to assume he's mad, whilst I can't hear him as I have my headphones on. Who am I to judge?

Trends

I find the more trends there are the more sarcastic human nature becomes.

You're so cool. You're so cool. You're so cool.

'You are the best company, the person who will always be around'

‘We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.’ ~Voltaire

I don't owe you anything

'it has been made stunningly clear to me that the things you love don’t owe you anything – not success, not plaudits, not a decent night’s sleep, nothing. You give them your effort and devotion because they deserve it, because their presence turns a light on in your dim little life and there will never be enough ways to say thank you.

You can’t confuse what you do in the service of ambition with what you do for love. I love my kid and she literally vomits all over me constantly and I don’t care. I love writing, too, and I’m sorry to admit that I was using it to selfish ends.'


Here's me. This weekend I will run, I will write, I will cook. I will drink. I will make stupid faces in the mirror. I will put bright lipstick on and fuss about with my hair. I will drink coffee and get lost in your eyes. I will frown and tell myself it's all over. I will listen to that song which makes me dance everytime and then realise I feel so lonely. I will look at myself and laugh. I realise it's all so silly. I'll tell you everything will be ok. It has to. I have to. Otherwise, what?

I will stop hiding. I will reach out to you. I have to be less hard on myself and less hard on you. I have to take advantage of your words. I have to make these words mine. You will think I'm a nutcase 20 something drama whosawhatty... I'm still trying not to say 'yo' and I am gonna fucking miss you.


'I set the book aside. Over the last year, during nap times and on park benches, I started writing something new, a small memoir about learning to live with a baby and the British. Because it was my own story and I did not have to worry if I was being unfair or inaccurate, I wrote without fear. I did not think about how it might sound to an agent or a publisher or anyone else on the business end of books. When I finished it I felt a sense of lightness in my heart. How freeing it is to write in your own voice. To paraphrase Kate Hudson in “Almost Famous,” the truth just sounds different.'


Half the time I don't believe the reality of what I see on the page. Most of the time I don't write because I'm scared of myself. Sometimes I don't write because I'm aware it will cut into my sleep, times when I've already switched the light off and the blanket has crept over my ears, fetal and warm. Seeing the words is facing reality. The hardest part is acceptance.


'And then I sent that to a publisher and it got rejected too! I tapped into the voice of my soul, and that also was rejected. My spirit animal has been kicked in the nuts. My relationship with writing today is neither glamorous nor exciting. We will not get each other into fancy places; we will not make anyone rich. We have fallen instead into a pattern much closer to the comfortable grooves of love: two homebodies shuffling around the same desk, battling frustration and disappointment, witnessing failure and choosing, against all odds, to stay.'


It's articles like this which make me realise I'm being such a prick. I read three of the kind today which kick me in the arse. I think too much about you as well. I know I'M the problem and I'm the ONLY ONE who's going to change things. I'm the one who's pushed those who care about me away. I've not let them help and now I have less.

I'm obsessed with perspective. I'm obsessed with answers. I'm obsessed with mental health. I'm worried about a number of things I am not quite ready to admit yet. I have to run. For fitness and for health. I have to eat & drink for happy. I can't fear the C word anymore. It's not what you run from but what you run for. Here's honesty. Here are the lines I don't write because you may read it and who else may be following, by chance...

Here's the thing, who's going to take notice of a liar? of a front? of the giggler? Who really needs more bullshit in their life? You are just an example of a safety summer liaison and even you bailed.

How can a screen provide more comfort than the comfort from a face? It's just too easy to hide away and I'm sick of it.

Have a good weekend everyone. Because what I want doesn't exist anymore, my weekend begins, by choice, alone.

"I'm still here, and I'm still whole."

Read it. I love it. She makes sense. Learn.

It's cold and I need a jumper

Too busy playing it cool

and I've never got anything from it either. Here's a pro example when holding back and reading into things too much can spank you, perhaps in a bad way.

'Another funny thing was, since we both really liked each other, we were searching for signs during the date that the other person was (or wasn't) into it. I got nervous when Alex offered me a bite of his steak, but then placed the piece of steak directly onto my plate; did he not want me to eat off his fork? And he later admitted that he thought the date was shot when I didn't lean on his armrest at the movie, but instead leaned toward the other side. So funny how nervous people can be when first dating!... 

Then Alex walked me home, and, although I was usually a pretty slow mover (I'm a Michigan girl!), we kissed outside my apartment. The funny part? We were on Bleecker Street, so even late at night, crowds of people were passing by. Three drunk guys passed us and yelled, "Look at the lovers!" Romantic. :)'

Thankfully the goodnight kiss made it clear they were both interested! If either person had read too much into the lack of fork share or leaning on the other chair arm- who knows what the result could have been.

If you're always playing a game, how can you ever win? The game will always be constant, is there no end to your self battle?


A cup of Jo, this lady is sweet!

Blogging: Look at your life in pictures

The images have the answers.

For me, blogs. It's a show and tell and I LOVE it. Learning about what makes other people smile, it makes me smile. Blogs are a tiny bit of heaven, it's like making silent friends over the internet. Whirlwind moments become calm again if you allow patience to sit down and discover.

My pictures aren't perfect, but they capture the moment I'm looking for.

Be brave and behave

You know who you are.

Cardiff 10k 9.9.12

You put the foot down and the acceleration takes off. You start rolling down a hill. The first flip on a roller coaster. A first kiss. Hours of hunger, and soon salivating over the smooth dance down your throat.

The floor becomes silk and pounding footsteps ripple over your body like a pleasure earthquake. Sweat drips flirt with your eyes whilst smokey lungs flick the phlegm out. Determined hands scrunch into fists of determination. Ground teeth and frowning eyebrows, a hill becomes easy as streams are to walk through.

I hit the last 1k and peak the corner of Cardiff's Bute park. Spits of rain hit my face with intention for me to look up. A lump gains suddenly in my throat as if my breath was meant to linger. I've come to realisation.

Mind over matter, it always is. You wouldn't run unless your mind said you could.

56 mins 58 seconds. I am pleased with that.

The word which keeps flying out of my mouth

Transition.

Or 'transitioning'.

Usually this starts with a new wardrobe... yesterday became about owls...

pics to come!

That holiday feeling

Morning all.

I have a lot I need to write about. I just need to sit down. My morning began with the usual self timer wake up at 7am (irrelevant to what time I fell to sleep). I do love mornings though so can hardly complain. Garlic breath kicks in after last nights tapas, I stumble to the bathroom - I'm sure you all have that first morning pee? I check out the scales and frown over post dinner food baby weigh in.

Tea tea tea. I guess black syrup isn't on the menu since the bag shakes grainy like a salt shaker tinkles. I brew four teaspoons of black leaves in my tea pot and enter the lounge to pull the blinds up. The sun is shining and the sky is a blanket blue. I am on holiday.

I've never been a holiday person, never because as a kid growing up we just didn't have the money. Now i'm left to my own devices (heaven) I can pick and choose what I want to do with myself. I suppose this is my biggest flaw. I am hard on myself, and after hearing that from a friend yesterday it became clear to me how many ridiculous thought processes I suffer before making that simple decision- even if it's over making a cup of tea. Holiday is meant to be for relaxing. I suppose staying in the city, well I really feel like I need a good break away from this hustle. Tomorrow that will happen where I shall take off to see my family in Dorset and I'll begin to switch off... (I HAVE to switch off), but isn't that the point- I should be able to switch off now, I need to work on improving on this because the rest of the world surely isn't going to switch off from me.

Today's process. 'I want tea, I want to write and chill and read blogs, but what is the time, hmmm will I drink this tea and then eat, but I'm really not hungry, but I want to run hopefully before I meet fuzzy and I don't think I'll have time this afternoon, before tonight's plans, and I should probably eat something before I run, but I have a food baby and physically I feel like a sausage... ok I'll sit down and drink this tea and then decide because I'm still puffy eyed and don't know if I'll have a post drinking headache again today. Damn it I need to stop drinking. OOoo urghh stupid BBC article on flowers and Diana.'

Welcome to my world... welcome?...

Holidays are about picking and choosing what you want to do in order to have a good time, at your leisure, to enjoy. Remind me why I'm being such a back and forth moron about it?!