Fight or Flight

I'm one of those women who shops like an overdose gone wrong. During manic moods people reach for booze, drugs and material things. Me, I shop for produce. I buy food, seeking flavour for survival. I get wound up in a colourful bubble of this and that, lets put these things together, shall we go here - I want to do that NOW!

Today I went for a scan on my right boob. Mum died of breast cancer so I was not taking any chances. After two checks and a scan referral I was able to see with my own eyes that I have nothing to worry about.

Some may say that even after two Doctors had given me the all clear, I was being a little paranoid. Of course I was - but who is to say that cancer is about life and death. It isn't. Cancer is about maintenance much like mental health. I've been on the 'C word' journey with someone close, I can honestly say cancer stumps your life for a good couple of years introducing more issues than ever expected. For me I'm in no position at 23 years to put my life on hold for a small group of multiplying cells. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression, hand on heart my life is finally simmering away. TWENTY THREE YEARS and only now my life is simmering! Only now am I able to say I'm happy and things are good without those words coming out of my mouth as a lie. 2013, 6 months in and everyone has been great - I'm just not used to that.

The thoughts creep in, is this the start or is this the beginning? It's a familiar trap much like depression, a circle and all the options are black that surround it. Cancer, what if I've got...Cancer? Even the word deserves a big 'C'. It's fight or flight. Crack on or panic. Thankfully I was able to panic and relax. I am so so lucky to feel appreciation, assurance, and most of all see the clear landscape I have in front of me now that the black fog has cleared in several areas of my life. I fought and I won.

p.s I celebrated with a gin and tonic with a strawberry in it ;)
pps I also ate a whole bag of revels :P
ppps Apologies to any family/friends who read this, no panic! :)

Vulnerability

Amazing quote, something I've learned over time. Something I also wish I'd come across a few years ago...

'Love is an inside job. It begins with self-compassion and self-love. When you let go of the need to be perfect, you stop expecting the opposite sex to be perfect. When you stop beating yourself up, you become more compassionate towards others. When you stop worrying about what other people think, the real you can emerge. And when you can connect deeply, authentically and vulnerably, you can have a crack at the real deal, a wonderful loving relationship.

I am done with being the rock. Inside, I am just as strong as I was, probably even stronger now, but I have softened and opened to exposing more of my true self. Even when it's scary...no, especially when it's scary. I have learned to be even more courageous, "daring greatly," and in the process, I am learning to date greatly.'

Messy page

I've got a stiff neck from lying awkwardly and scanning through pictures on facebook of good memories, pretty people and a hell of a lot of faces I don't recognise anymore.

One of those faces includes me. I flicker over pictures from last year, two years ago, my childhood and teenage years - ugly times where my face seemed a scribble; yet there are images now which have less pen marks on my portrait. It's taken years to overcome a hurdle, one which I couldn't even see the top of, this hurdle was in fact placed across from a huge ditch in the middle of the ground, a ditch filled with evil eyes and influences ready to capture my innocence and weakness.

You can never say that bad experiences ever go away. I don't know if you can ever say you are over something, at least there might be a part of you which can look back through squinted eyes and recognise the self development and lessons learned from a past experience. They will always come back to haunt you, however at least I can now say I've understood a behaviour to manage my pain and impulsive responses. Brain training you could say, life lessons and patience.

The animal kingdom

This won't make sense to many, but I'm glad I'm not scared anymore. I'm thankful for not running. I'm pleased I was myself. I'm glad not to have held back too much. I'm happy I asked.

It pays to put yourself out on the line.