Back in the game

After a week away in sunny Wales (oh yes! we had sun) I hope this familiar feeling of motivation and clarity stays close for some time. I've missed a few things: running, writing, down time, being fair to myself and those around me. 

I also intend to use this groove and start mental health volunteer work. A potential date is set next week and I'm so excited to learn more and tackle the stigma. 

Birthday cake

I miss my mum and getting angry over silly things like an added couple of pounds, a sweaty tube, a dirty kitchen or the fact that my trainers rub isn't going to solve anything. None of these frustrations will ever bring her back, why commit so much energy into them?

Cake is the trigger and I imagine my brother to wake next week on his birthday with no promise of a birthday cake that my mum would always organise. This is a subject far too painful I even avoid myself, since to buy the cake for him would be acceptance of her death. Though who is loosing out in the long run?

Me. 

I will have to accept. I will have to acknowledge that to be my brother's mum isn't a role for me either. We are all grown up now. You'd think that makes it easier, moving onto new adventures in social circuits and job advances. It only makes it harder as that person isn't there to explain it all to and for you to say at least you're proud of your achievements. An unconditional listen. 

So what can I do? Either sit in squalor and eat/drink into my feelings or come on top and open my eyes to see what's on my doorstop instead. I'd never forgive myself to linger in this current lull and for something worse to happen in the near future. That previous lull you were dying to escape from would suddenly turn into the ideal. Not I. I can't do it anymore. 

No more wishing back. 

Is this mania?

I don't know what this feeling is. It's not bad. It's not middle ground. It's a hyper-manic contentment.

My fears have changed. I'm no longer scared to talk about it, though it doesn't mean I'm going to look you in the eye. It doesn't mean later I won't feel like I need to sit down and put my head between my legs, and breathe. I'll always be scared you'll run away.

I'm not sure what this spectrum scale is, the ticking and whizzing almost blinding and exhilarating. I've just got to get better at switching it off without being obsessive. Management instead of control. Feel instead of distract. Lets comfortably sit in silence and it be silent instead of nee nawww sounds.

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I think that's part of the problem. I'm just not used to it and I don't know whether to smile or cry. I'm tired of all the 'nutjob' labels and the newbies who judge can dooo one. I feel more courage from being open and myself about it, than hiding and seeming like the weird confusing girl that still always keeps it together.

The beauty is that I have kept it together, thumbs up to me! It feels like a big fuck you to the world and I love you too. I've achieved a lot. I have a very rough plan to keep it together now and live within the present year rather than years ahead. I thrive from being completely dependent on myself, it's all me (financially and even to the point of keeping it together). Over the last few months I've developed an extended family, friendships have developed and I've never felt less lonely in all my life.

I must make that 'together' list.

The one thing that still scares me the most is myself. This brain I occupy that makes me, me and people seem to like it. I get cake mix up my nose and I'm easily distracted. I am a Catherine wheel and only stop when sleeping. I now sleep the best I have in all my life. Insomnia is a distant memory. I choose to organise, I'm happy to say I make things happen. I do. I made it happen for myself. An opportunity lost is a moment where I kick myself, unless it was time to let go. I just can't give up on things, on people, it's so hard to go back on your word unless your stomach dips and faith disappears...you realise.

A friend once said to me 'you're always making excuses for people'. Finally now I understand I can't keep making excuses for people anymore. I believe this or I'll end up loosing myself.

I'm going to go for a run now, sometimes I don't want to stop because if I do I have to look at what's in front of me and sometimes it gets too much. It's a good thing because I see all of the amazing things I have and times I have in the future to look forward to. Before, it was a bleak dark impossible future where life seemed to exist only in an exaggerated black box in my head. I've got my things to keep me going, to keep me, me.

If that's the case then I can be there for you too.

Happy Easter x

Blink

It's weird when people die, after a while it feels like they never existed. It's as if your brain gets tired from the trauma and you question whether you're making it up. Blink.

Of course they were there. You knew them all too well.

Stretched, confused and empty- all you want is to have them back. They can still exist, in memories and imagery. I've been told to hold onto those thoughts, so that person doesn't feel too far away. They are there, they are you. They gave you life.

Mums, dads, relatives and friends. It doesn't matter who they are but they were a part of your life. At some point they influenced you. It's almost like a break up. A person so fantastic yet with emotions tied to them, they're strong enough to break you.

You must go on. They have already began to continue. A new life, a new journey, who knows-but it's up to you where they are now and I think that's the beauty about death.


I just wanted to write something as this weekend Alice Pyne passed away, an amazing girl who treasured life, for someone who sometimes sees her surroundings a little too grey, Alice reminded me that I need to love and live the life I have now! For me the small and simple things really do count.

Also these words reflect my thoughts for Harry, the sweetest, caring guy who has helped make a building a home for my friend. He lost his dad today.

I've been thinking about my mum a lot too. Her laugh, her voice. Her warm fluffy hugs in her 'Chelsea' blue dressing gown. Mums silly ostrich neck and her scatty mind. I miss her heart, the reassurance, her love. Im glad it was her pulling me along the carpet when I first got drunk and didn't want to open my eyes (the morning after wasn't pretty).

My dad. I miss his long chicken legs, his bad chef impressions, spiking up his hair to look like Gary Rhodes. I miss how he cooked oven chips better than mum did. He loved the sea, he loved animals and I loved watching him play resident evil on the playstation.

X

I don't regret anything

Whilst I’ve got 5 minutes and have my thinking hat on, I must write.

 

We are in the New Year and its hit me how much 2012 was a see-saw of adventure. I don’t regret anything.

As I get on I’m increasingly impressed how, what was so bad manages to soften a bit. At this point in my life I feel incredibly lucky. I’ve experienced probably the largest amount of mental pain someone could go through in their life – and I’ve come out on the other side. I’m still here.

Through months of anger, frustration and loneliness I've accepted the paths in which my adventures turned. There have been times when I’ve stared out of the window thinking ‘what is the point?, what is the point in everything and feeling this way?!’ It seemed so ridiculous yet extremely important all at the same time.

I’ve finally got a new energy and the ratio has gradually turned from balls of restlessness to fires of frivolity and gumption.  I have a new charge, a new spark you could say where the world doesn’t look so grey anymore. I’ve always loved colour yet never felt the heart to wear it. Things have changed. Hopefully the warmth I feel now will reflect in my style.

I need people. More importantly I want people. Teen life sent me on a mission to come and go and hold those I should have conversed with at arms length. I was too scared to let my guards down. It feels good to know today that my peer group is expanding. My family feel closer though we live 3 hours away. I’ve got people out there that care for me and I’m comfortable enough to go to  them now and ask for help if something is wrong. We try to defend ourselves when in fact a lot of the time this instinct can push us further into danger. How can anything win our hearts if we aren’t willing to put ourselves on the line?

Resolutions I don’t usually make, I put a lot of pressure on myself already and have to do lists coming out of my ears. Instead I’m going to make a personal list of reminders for those times, just in case they come back, when I need to see again what makes me happy. Pick and choose, so it’s possible to see the light.

Thank you to everyone who took part in my life last year, I look forward to all that will happen from now on.

Times are changing

This morning I woke up in a panic. I woke up at 9am.

It felt like a miracle. To sleep in that long on a Saturday is a luxury, usually I wake hours earlier.

An ounce of coffee sent me flying this morning, I thought I was sensitive to the caffeine. A marvelous friend was staying with me and whilst I was running about the flat saying 'I feel all arghhhruuhhhh' whilst wiggling my hands in front of myself, she said 'maybe you're just happy?!'

That was exactly it. I felt panic because it was Saturday. I felt lucky to have a weekend. I felt lucky to wake up and wonder what to do with the day. It felt light, it felt open, it felt very please yourself. I'm a restless nightmare but lately I've got a lot better at sitting down, staying still and just saying 'ahhhh'. It's felt so good to relax! I've slobbed in front of the tv, I've eaten a lot of chocolate (currently eating a chocolate Lindt Santa as I type :) ) and I'm able to eat whatever the hell I want without physically being in pain. Life is becoming a lot stress free. WOW!

It's almost like discovering food for the very first time, things were once black and white and now they are saturated with colour. Textures and smells zing and come alive - I'm not distracting myself as much anymore. My action plans are working and things are on the up. Today I began Christmas shopping and even bought a couple of mini things for myself: a £2 lipstick, hair grips and hair spray - silly things which actually make you feel awesome and 'ooo I'll try that' often makes a difference to your day. I walked around without my head phones, I wasn't trying to block out the world. Exploring around the shops I felt at leisure - I cannot wait to pass these gifts on once the day comes!

Later a few friends and I are going out for drinks in Brixton Dogstar. I can't wait to have a shower, put some great music on, I'm going to sing about the flat, make some stupid faces in the mirror and have fun arranging clothes and make up for the evening. It's going to be so nice to have a giggle and a dance :D

Enjoy your Saturday

p.s I just bit Santa's head off

A face of hope

I'm trying not to feel silly as I write this. I suppose every post I write about mental health I have to make sure I don't feel silly. I'm going to write through the heartbreak and the voice which convinces me that no-one is going to listen.

One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.

Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.

I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!

There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.

On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.

I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.

So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.

OK so it's a slightly bashful pic (but I'm well chuffed with my hair in this one!) and that day led to a lovely welcome in work, my life long friend (pretty much a sister) coming to London just for me (and she bought me breakfast!) and dinner in the evening with a new group of friends...

Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.

Why I love social networking - I found mum

I've managed to get back the messages I sent to my mum on Facebook when I was in uni, tag posts when I moved to London and I still have photo comments she left on my wall.


Finding this has made my day :)

Hollie Hines posted to Jenny Hines
3 November 2008 18:06
"heloo mum, im writing this as you are probs driving home from work!! Something amazing happened today to me and mint! we had just left after seeing our tutor and was walking outside one of the accomodation buildings! there was an apple tree!! so we started picking up loads of apples!!! suddenly mint found a real crisp ten pound note on the floor!!! wow!! so we shared it and got petrol for the car!
so we popped to the Newport market and had a look, its so cool! and they have started to do up Newport town centre for shopping, looks so much better already. in a few years time Newport will look like Cardiff yay!! today me and mint also made strawberry ice cream, and spilt a load in the kitchen! it was funny! we also bought plums, we are going to make plum crumble and apple crumble mmmmmmmm....i may become a fat student :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx your gonna have to roll me home for Christmas"

2 December 2008 19:50
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"Hey Daughter. I am so proud of you too. You should smile more to show off your beautiful face. It lights up the room. No more frowning please. Waaaaaasssss for dinner babe?"

2 December 2008 at 20:54 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hey muuum!! im not frowning, it doesnt exist for me at the mo im pretty happy! :) i went to new tradega today to make a film about the place, a random film task! thats why i didnt answer my phone sorry i missed the call its been busy busy busy!!! How are you mother dearest? xxxxxxx"

 3 April 2009 at 21:55
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"mother.your facebook seriously sucks. it lacks in wall life!

i miss mummy...we should go shopping, even though you hate it-maybe we should shop for things you like, such as make up, wine glasses and perfume. i miss our random cardiff trips!

i have lots of work to do oops but am too tired to read books. if i do i will fall asleep and wake up with a book on my face...i fear it may be my impending death, other students should be warned!

Got a lot to catch up on really, do you even know what mine and mints' film is going to be?! NO! I bet you dont. We are long overdue a catch up whether its on the way to caerdydd or eating in sainsburys cafe in newport. mmm pie and tea.

had a great night on weds, didnt fall over in my heels!! how proud of me should you be! and i was up at 8am to be in uni for ten...you can imagine what that was like...

Hope you are alright and martin has moved on from grunts to actual eye contact with you.

love you
Xxx Hollie your daughter

p.s you smell of poo"

3 April 23:13
Jenny Hines wrote on your timeline.
"hello daughter, was just thinking that we should do a shop, i hate shops but will suffer them to make you happy. no i dunno what you and elizabeth are dong as a film. Mint thank you for saving my daughters culinary requirements. you are a very clever girl. am in caerdydd tomorrow as it happens for a bit of culture. gong to the theatre and the museum. And no not with the usual fixture. With my real friends. Good job you managed to stay upright in your heels. You would have looked like a baby girraffe trying to find it's first feet. Awwwwww! xxxxxx love you loads my baby xxxxx"

4 April 2009 at 23:55 ·
Hollie Hines wrote on your timeline.
"giraffe hahaha didn't u say i was stretch as a baby eh??!!!

you meany!! distracting me from my studies. an hour and a half long conversation...well it was defo more interesting than the book!!

"s.h.o.p.p.i.n.g we're going shoppingggggggg"...its a song i think haha!!

right well im off to bed now to watch sex and the city as i have to wake up tomorrow and take my self seriously as a filmmaker-hmm.

chow mother (and yes i know thats not how you spell ciao)

byeeeeeeeeeeeeee love you smelly xxxxxxx"

Breakfast time 27.10.12

I feel happy and it's weird and I don't know what to do with it and now I'm stuck to the sofa.

I don't think it's an indifference. I mean I feel excited, I feel ready, I feel energised. I feel like I can make a choice. My brain feels like a circular train track going round and around and around. Perhaps throwing a dart in the centre will balance it all out. I could sit here all day, in a box, a mental box. I can twiddle with my thumbs and lie still because I feel safe and nice and I'm being held in place. The mania will kick in soon. The manic nice moods where I can jump up and down like a pogo. Last night was wonderful. I ate, I managed to eat! I ate more than I could usually and had no consequence. Mentally it was fine. Mentally I allowed it. I jumped like a pogo and we danced on the fluffy rug, we didn't care about neighbors.

Outside it looks beautiful. Blue skies, orange leaves and fresh air waiting to be exhaled. I have to capture the moment. I have to write it down, I'm already scared it's going to go away. Time will disappear. I might not feel this good anymore. I might not have this time to myself. I feel quite lucky.

I woke up feeling like it was Christmas. Tucked up in bed, radiator ticking, expanding with the heat. With my eyes closed I imagined what I would discover, kitchen sounds rattling, dressing gowns and warm lighting. I wake up looking like Mowgli, birds nest on my head and panda eyes. If I had it my way, I'd walk downstairs to find her in the kitchen. Sky blue dressing gown and a curly mess, hair sticking out on top in snakes and wires, glasses on and BBC radio 2 settling in the corner. She liked putting the cupboard up-lighters on to make an atmosphere, even though it was light outside we wasted the electricity, it reflected nicely on the counter. I hear slippers scuff on tiles and the toaster pops. Smells of white toast crunching under the butter knife, golden blankets spread. My big square lounge and over sized red sofas, I curl up in the corner. I always liked to look out at the trees. I really love trees. Mum would join me, sitting in her usual spot. We drank tea from Denby mugs and ravished in our moment of peace. The morning. Breakfast. Our time together.

Admission

It's hard to write. I talk, but I dont find it easy. It's admitting what you feel, it's not always fulfilling. I don't necessarily want to accept this. It's something I'm constantly fighting. Heartache. They have gone.

To feel no self worth. Completely empty, a shell. Complete heartache is the most complete thing about me. The kind where air wont fill you up and food becomes frivalry. Nothing seems worth anything without them. The staples and the crutch. It feels like I've had the air sucked out of me. I feel silly for feeling this. For talking about this. For writing this. For publishing this. Admitting this. You get the point.

Where's the plaster?

Our breakfast room

If only.

Nana and Hollie heaven.

 

 

 

Telephone

One evening this week my Nana and I were checking over the stitching on a new pair of trousers I'd bought. We noticed a thread had come out on the crotch. In the lounge, my Nana sat in her solo chair and whilst facing her I perched on the footstool, sitting aside her calves. We were nattering away as I struggled to poke the thread through the new loop hole I'd made, using a crochet hook as the trousers balanced on her lap. Suddenly the phone began to ring.

"oohhh ooo, oh noo!".

I think Nana was worried I'd miss the loop if she got up.

"Where is it, where's the phone, oh it's behind you on the table, OH BIFF!"

I twisted lurched for the handheld phone and placed it in her hands, grinning.

"He, he, hello..!?" Nana said down the phone, whilst trying not to giggle.

"ahehehe... BIFF!? Nana!?... that's something I would say!"

Evening

7.30pm and I'm settled for the night in. It's kind of nice.

Four days

I've had such an amazing four days of family time and exploring. The Dorset coast is so beautiful and it's so nice waking up in green instead of concrete jungle London!

There have been mornings of breakfast perfection along with endless cups of tea and coffee. I even had a strawberry and white chocolate muffin left for me on my bed (must be the new chocolate kiss pillow trick). Now my next 7 day adventure starts with my Granparents, which I'm extremely excited about. They are so on top of things they ask what I would like for breakfast before I go to bed...

I love them :)

From Dorset knobs to stories from the knobblies... (I don't think they'd appreciate that twist on 'wrinkly')

I won't tell if you don't!

  Lyme Regis

The Tickled Pig breakfast

(life gets better when you see ducks!)

Sandacres

A man and his bird

The most chilled seagull!

It might be morning

But this was my lunch break yesterday

See my hoofs

On my pup, footstall anyone?

Back home

I've surprised myself and for the first time in a very long time, this place in South West Wales really does feel like a home.

Also, it's great waking up to a full fridge containing exactly what I need, especially when it's nutritionally spot on. Food just appears because... someone else is bringing it home! It's like being looked after without too much thought.

Today, I woke up to this (post request) 1KG tub of pro biotic natural yogurt. Cheers Step Dadda.

I'm sure all of my photography friends are shuddering at the quality of my pictures!

Enjoy the day and your breakfast.

Graduation: Your role? Audience

Today was my brother's Graduation. It was a proud moment and also a zingy one.

During the ceremony, my Granpop nudged me when a female Muslim in full dress walked across the stage. Perhaps he's starting to learn about multi-cultural Britain. Either way it gave me food for thought.

The highlight was also when he saw my 'filthy' glasses. From within his neat and tidy suit jacket, a organised leather wallet appeared and he handed me a single sachet lens wipe.