A project to make you feel good

I'm lucky enough to be a restless slot filler, the cogs are turning and I click, click from one thing to another online. My mind bursts with information and images - I'm tired, I get headaches and my shoulders are hunched up and sore.

Today I came across a video I once saw tweeted by one of my favourite blogs, I discovered when becoming part of the blogging community myself. Fit Foodie Finds. For over two years, Lee has inspired me to eat healthy, exercise and maintain a positive mind. Not only does she photograph food beautifully (some of you in Britain may snigger at this), she highlights nutritious aspects since it's not all about food porn, food fuels your mind as well.

Since my blog is about mental health, diet and an active lifestyle are far more important than the odd sneer or eye roll over who writes what and the pictures you post. I too am, now I was going to say guilty, yet I feel proud to take pictures of my food or any other adventure - why on earth would I want to take this moment of happy away? I'm the dick that carries around two iphones (work and personal) but at least I'm the dick that can laugh about it too amongst all the snaps I take; ranging from breakfast shots, photos after a sweaty run or mirror shots of my favourite outfit. I'd like to highlight I'm finally capturing moments of happy compared to the lack of photos that weren't taken whilst I was a teenager; an image too bleak and scribbled out I would rather not remember.

For a few weeks now I've been walking around as if a blurry cloud has been following me. I've realised that something has felt wrong, I'm not used to feeling good and things working out. I've been filling in slots of time with whatever I could get my hands on when in fact I should have been spending time filling those slots with empty. I think I've forgotten myself a bit and have even snapped a few times at certain things which in a larger picture are really quite small.

I took some time out for myself tonight, I cleaned, I cooked, I ran a bath and after tv bedtime slobbery I dug out a link from Lee herself. Please watch this video and it will help you look in the mirror. The quote which gets me the most is the part when a girl says 'we spend a lot of time as women analysing and trying to fix the things which aren't quite right, and we should spend more time appreciating the parts we do like'.

When I get into my ruts I build a sand storm in my head of 'why won't this work' or 'it's just not quite perfect'. It applies to all aspects of my life when In fact I just need to sit back, breath and take note of what I do have in front of me. I still find it hard to believe that someone wants me. I find it more surprising that someone I want wants me back. I have a friend who feels the same way about our friendship and it's heartbreaking to see her pain and struggle to accept herself, it's like a light is in the room but she can't see it.

Still, I'm trying to use my feelings and experiences for positive impact, as much as they might not make sense to others, they may shock some people and push them further away than I'd like. Either way, whether male or female, watch the video and give yourself a break.

Batty

I'm going to sound batty... though isn't that the point of raising awareness of mental health - less of the fear and being truthful with words? Fuck the failure and cease the consequence.

Here's something I wrote a few nights ago.

It's one of those nights when I can't sleep, but because I feel lucky. I lie in the dark and there's dancing in my eyes. I see arms swirling and movements peaceful, pounding to favourite sounds on my list. A feeling good, whilst trying to embrace without pushing it away.  Experimental and willing to give life a chance, It feels clear, It looks like colour which means I'm about to change.

I smile with truth instead of failure behind dark eyes. I can't deny anymore. An unblocked feeling that no longer seems so forever and ending.  Less of the panic and more appreciation.  I think of you, wherever you are - clouded.

Back into action

That Cake and Consequence needs to get into gear! I WILL make time for this :)

A face of hope

I'm trying not to feel silly as I write this. I suppose every post I write about mental health I have to make sure I don't feel silly. I'm going to write through the heartbreak and the voice which convinces me that no-one is going to listen.

One voice I'd like to have more of is that little voice inside my head encouraging me to make a mess on the page. It's the one which, out of no-where, urges me to write thousands of words down amongst the millions of thoughts which pitter patter in my mind. I need to be a face.

Most of the time I'm frozen to the spot by my thoughts, lately they've been of excitement and happiness. I'm also frozen by fear, hopelessness and overwhelment. However, my intentions and what I intend to achieve are never going to be real If I continue to trap myself in a mind circle. I quite easily convince myself that this box is right- it's only when I step out of it I realise I was so so wrong. I repeat this same mistake over and over again.

I must put more ideas down, I must speak up. I think deep down I'd like to become a face, a sign of hope, a voice, a representative. I want to do more in the name of mental health and If I don't stand up for this 'taboo', who will?!

There are several tips and methods I try to follow when there are good days and when there are bad. The ways I try to follow to put less pressure on myself. Instincts. Lesser the mind battles. Something I've been doing for quite some time is capturing, what some could accuse as looking for attention... Though, for me taking pictures of myself on the good days really help. I'm not looking for comments and most of the time I store them away for no-one else to see. Sometimes I take pictures on the bad days-these happen less often because if you are dealing with depression or other mental health conditions, it's rare you want to see yourself looking sad. Most of the time you feel too ugly anyway. I've got a picture I found today which I took of me on my 23rd birthday. I've also got a picture I took on the year anniversary my mum died. I glance back at the physical changes, whether weight has fluctuated (comfort eater number 1!) and if I can see signs of stress in other physical areas too.

On my birthday I said to myself 'I am capturing this!'. There was no-way I could leave this happy day behind. It was odd as it was the first birthday without my mum alive, but the love and amazing messages I received from the people I know really made a difference. It was an unforgettable day, a day when I thought 'finally this is what life is when it's good and when it seems less scary'.

I avoided pictures so much when I was a teen. I hated myself. I hated my face. You just want to scribble yourself out, never feeling good enough for anyone, anything. It's like an endless feeling you're too scared to end, but at the same time you don't want to accept either. It sounds vain, but capturing a picture when I am happy at least gives me something to look back on so I can say, 'oh I was happy there, that's me, I can do it, it's achievable, I'm allowed to feel good'.

So, here's a pic I took of myself this year on my 23rd birthday. I had a chilled morning eating posh raspberry jam on toast (a lovely present from my housemate), I tried on dresses which I don't go anywhere to wear, and never used to feel good in (I put on two stone and now have lost it), and taking snaps of my beaming face. Here I am naturally happy.

OK so it's a slightly bashful pic (but I'm well chuffed with my hair in this one!) and that day led to a lovely welcome in work, my life long friend (pretty much a sister) coming to London just for me (and she bought me breakfast!) and dinner in the evening with a new group of friends...

Things have changed a lot since then, but I'm still here. I'm still trying. I might not want to take a picture of myself today, but at least I know that there are days in the future I will want to take a picture of myself. I know this because there's been days like the above in the past, I've made myself happy, I can do it and I will.

Cutting down

It started with three a day. Black coffee in the morning, a cup of tea around 11am and perhaps another in the afternoon.

I began to cut down, making it two a day – one for the morning and one in the afternoon, so when commuting I wouldn’t feel rancid and shoulder hunched on the cold bus home. On the weekend I glug down on my special coffee (sent to me from Origin Coffee in Cornwall-thank you!) like it’s water on tap – it’s my weekend treat! Since caffeine is a stimulant, I tend to drink it to give my brain a boost. They say that caffeine is good for depression, as well as brazil nuts, combining these two elements with a brew has helped me feel good! However, enough was enough. I’m iron deficient and in the world of nutrition, caffeine inhibits the absorption of the good metal stuff.

It’s time I had to make a change. For about two weeks now I’ve cut down to one cup a day, sometimes none. Amazingly I’m feeling quite good without it, perhaps I’m even feeling better! There are no coffee jitters and I feel more hydrated, since I run long distance I’m keen to maintain this- and my skin feels great. The downside is I’ve been upping my processed sugar intake to plough through. I do have a sweet tooth and I like to enjoy indulgent foods, I suppose as I’m nutritionally aware I beat myself up about this more than necessary. Mind over matter, I’m trying to maintain a healthy balance to keep my energy up, nutrition consistent and of course my mind strong.

All in all, I’m feeling pretty good and I don’t just mean physically. Mentally I feel good and I think that’s part of the reason why I’m thriving without caffeine :) I’m making sure I take time to rest, time to chill out and also time to recognise and do those lovely things which really make me happy.

 

I’ve had a few compliments lately about my blog. I just wanted to use this positive post to say thank you very much to those of you who read and have provided feedback for That cake had consequence J There’s a couple of posts I have in mind which I HAVE to write about. Typically I’ve not been as disciplined in writing lately (naughty me)...

Also I’d like to say happy birthday to my friend who I wrote about in this post, who turned 24 yesterday :D I’m sure he’s feeling a little ropey today from his hardcore and well deserved celebrations!

Enjoy the day!

Round 2 of 'That cake had consequence'

Hi all!

Welcome to ‘That cake had consequence’. I suppose you’re all wondering why I’m introducing myself again? I’ve finally updated the about me section to truly represent my reason for writing. I can’t hide these thoughts and feelings anymore as the desire to talk about mental health is just too prominent to ignore!

I love to write, I love creation, development and sharing ideas. For me though I find that actually getting around to making a post and blogging about something I find interesting (and even adding a few sentences) tends to be a problem. I can’t get my thoughts out. I can’t concentrate! I’m trying to balance a full time job and maintain everything else us humans tend to preoccupy ourselves with! I know full well why I struggle, even right now I’m hesitant to type these words, given the consequences they may bring. Who will be reading this? Who is going to react?

As mentioned in my previous post, I’m the one who’s been in self doubt about what I have wanted to do for ages. I’m the one who has lost out. I’m the one who... wants to talk about depression and I NEVER have the balls to. I’m hiding away behind a screen right now.

‘That cake had consequence’ is a place for me, a place for you and for anyone who wants to come here for solace, or at least to gain an idea of what it’s like to experience lets say, mental trauma... (too harsh a phrase to justify its explanation?!), mental illness? Mental whosawhatty?!... These days if you bring up anything along the lines of stress and mental instability you’re immediately judged as unreliable.

Perhaps I’ve finally found the balls to share (in a few days I can't be thinking 'oh bugger'), given what I’ve achieved myself. I've started a new career, I pay my bills on time and am not the typical twenty something in overdrafts and credit card bills (though this seems to be most 'adults' these days too, damn economy). I've not got myself into any real danger and without trying to sound like a hypocrite, I feel like I’ve proven to those I need to that it is possible to hold things together. It’s possible to gain trust and to work full time. It is possible to carry on and not hide away.

I just don’t want anyone to feel alone anymore. I think working in a corporate environment has taught me a lot about the impressions we make compared to the real impressions we want to give. There’s SUCH a massive difference, I must admit even after a year I’m still holding back slightly.

After reading a piece by Stephen Elliot and seeing that 'you have to go all the way, otherwise there's no point’ it really hit me that I’m going to have to go all the way with my writing and with my mental health. Writing for me is one of the few things which helps me get through ‘things’, it helps me cope with myself! It sounds very extreme but after becoming so aware of mental illness, stress, corporate environments and working with those who often over drink/eat to cope with workload in hope of de-stressing (compare this working environment to shopping on Oxford Circus, scary!) how could anyone argue that publicly writing a mental health blog is going to cause anymore harm? ...I think I’m prepared to challenge the trust and judgements of those who know me, of those who find this and start to question my stability. After all, this is why mental health is such a taboo topic. I can’t hide behind closed doors anymore. I've decided I can't even hide behind a computer screen. We have to come clean, who knows we all might end up better off. I'm proud to put my name to this blog, even if it helped at least one person.

Feedback, letters, comments,-anything is truly welcome. I’m open to the harsh and pleasant reality from my peers. If I'm hiding don't I become a taboo topic as well?!

 

Here goes.

 

So weak

'a life without sadness and loss is a life without happiness and worth, and we all deserve to feel the full beauty of our lives.'

Write less. Peter Orner.

'I would like to be even more silent. The need to write thankfully only comes once in a while, and when it does I do my best to keep it short. The upshot of many books on writing seems to be: Write, write a lot. When you are done writing a lot, write some more. I wonder if this is always the best route to the creation of something enduring. Am I alone? Or do you find yourself longing to escape from a daily tsunami of words? What if people wrote less and paid attention more?'

I love autumn

I love autumn. The yellow, red and orange leaves: crunchy floors, scarves, gloves, red noses and cool air.

I also love how American's say 'fall' and we say 'autumn'.

A little update (gosh you must think she's so pathetic)

I try and use this blog as a platform to practise creative writing, to force my interests upon the reader and to quite frankly keep a log of moments and stories I find quite nice.

Lately, which really means over the last year, I've got worse at committing to my blog. I work full time and in front of a screen all day. You would think this is a marvellous opportunity to write and make my own pieces of magic- wrong. It's actually the time I dread to write because I find it SO hard to concentrate and I'm pretty paranoid about doing 'personal' things here (though allowed), whilst really I feel I should be developing new ideas for work. I HAVE to get the balance, straight...!

Whether it's because I read all day and think all day that by the time I come home I'm so tired, the last thing I want to do is write about anything (and in turn I run), I know deep down I'm really not helping myself or anyone who chooses to read this blog by producing nothing.

I suppose this piece is a honest confession. I suppose I don't really want to admit why I don't write. I suppose I'm just going to give it a try, regardless of the topic and fear of judgement and wondering whether I'm revealing too much on the page. I have to write and at least make that promise to myself.

If anything you could find my mad rambles entertaining.

Please wish me luck, I need it.

Development costs

This link which I have kept in my list of things to watch back over is one of the reasons why I love the internet and development. All it takes is a few words, a click and your idea becomes real.

I'm telling you to slow down

Like this girl has realised.

"I'm still here, and I'm still whole."

Read it. I love it. She makes sense. Learn.

Say hi

To readers from America and Russia.

Hellooooooooooo! and thank you.

Too busy playing it cool

and I've never got anything from it either. Here's a pro example when holding back and reading into things too much can spank you, perhaps in a bad way.

'Another funny thing was, since we both really liked each other, we were searching for signs during the date that the other person was (or wasn't) into it. I got nervous when Alex offered me a bite of his steak, but then placed the piece of steak directly onto my plate; did he not want me to eat off his fork? And he later admitted that he thought the date was shot when I didn't lean on his armrest at the movie, but instead leaned toward the other side. So funny how nervous people can be when first dating!... 

Then Alex walked me home, and, although I was usually a pretty slow mover (I'm a Michigan girl!), we kissed outside my apartment. The funny part? We were on Bleecker Street, so even late at night, crowds of people were passing by. Three drunk guys passed us and yelled, "Look at the lovers!" Romantic. :)'

Thankfully the goodnight kiss made it clear they were both interested! If either person had read too much into the lack of fork share or leaning on the other chair arm- who knows what the result could have been.

If you're always playing a game, how can you ever win? The game will always be constant, is there no end to your self battle?


A cup of Jo, this lady is sweet!

Blogging: Look at your life in pictures

The images have the answers.

For me, blogs. It's a show and tell and I LOVE it. Learning about what makes other people smile, it makes me smile. Blogs are a tiny bit of heaven, it's like making silent friends over the internet. Whirlwind moments become calm again if you allow patience to sit down and discover.

My pictures aren't perfect, but they capture the moment I'm looking for.

Write or run?

It depends which one I can do best and concentrate on, this spiral is taking it's toll!

Yesterday I spent my day celebrating my housemates 24th birthday. Happy birthday Baz!

I went back to H&M to buy that awkward black jumper which brought comfort to my eyes.

I had the loveliest afternoon tea with Yogi :) (Yogi's handy cam work) It's so great being able to talk to her about all sorts and Yog's makes me feel better about myself too!

and then finished the day off for Tapas celebrations for Baz's birthday dinner... (again too overwhelmed by all the food to take a pic!)

Dinner discussions: Relationships and arguments... I understand the back and forth, I understand the pain. I'm lucky I could be objective, when one is so trapped in the duo angst, the scene I think of is in 'When Harry Met Sally'. They argue, he says "are you done?" and he ends the argument on his own initiative and says "I'm sorry'. They hug. It's all it takes to break the spell.

It made me sad to see someone so stressed, I felt frustrated for her. Being single and objective I can't help but think, what's the argument worth?! At least you have each other.

Ryan O'Connell: You're fine just the way you are

'The second we become okay with ourselves, the less reliant we become on “stuff.” And then, oh my god, the whole world goes ka-boom!...

Everyone is convinced that the person next to them has figured out the world before they have. It’s a race. The first person to know how to cook a savory dinner and pay their bills on time while still maintaining a healthy relationship wins! Their grand prize? Uh… not sure yet. Bragging rights? Making your peers feel even more inferior?

You will feel stupid about a lot of the things that you do. You will question yourself and your decisions. Can you trust your thought process? Do you know what the hell you’re doing? The answer always is no. For everyone.

The goal here should be about becoming comfortable in your own skin. The people I look up to the most aren’t the ones with a great spice rack and decorating scheme (those people are often more psycho than those who still sleep on a mattress on the floor) but the ones who have a sort of “effortlessness” to their personality and life. They feel lived in, comfortable with where they’re at. I love that. I want that and I know that one day I will have it. One day I will trust myself and love myself and not be ruled by so much anxiety and fear. I know I will because I see myself already changing and moving toward that.

I guess it’s just about getting to a place of calm, of not constantly measuring yourself against others because I guarantee that if you do that, you’re always going to fall short.

Take things as they come. That’s all you can do. Otherwise, you’re just getting in your own way.'

and this is why I love Ryan O'Connell, Thought Catalog.

Blog post coming soon

On a 10k run!

Today I'm celebrating my housemates birthday!

Have a good day all.

Thank you all

For checking in at 'That cake had consequence'. The number of views has been amazing and very motivating!

Please feel free to leave comments and feedback on what you have seen- is there anything specific you would want to see on this blog, with my spin on it?!

Thank you so much!

Hollie